


Smash That Love Button

by hbxplain



Category: Monster of the Week (Tabletop RPG), Monsters of Meracyinth, Original Work
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alex is a DIY streamer, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Animated GIFs, Being Told To Eat Less, Caleb has a creepy cooking channel, Couple Pranks AU, Darla does niche speedruns, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Fantasy Love Or Host, Fantasy Races, Fantasy Tiktok, Fantasy Twitch, Fantasy Twitter, Fantasy Youtube, Food, Gaslighting, Hoan makes critic videos, Ileao is a fashion DIY youtuber, Image IDs and Transcripts at the end of every chapter, Kevin is workout/motivational streamer/youtuber, Modernish AU, Multimedia, Offscreen Physical Abuse (once), Other, Screenshots, Vague Weight-Shaming, Verbal Abuse, Vlogger AU, Youtuber AU, Zabrell (and sorta ileao) is a prank youtuber, elfo does beauty guru makeup tutorials, hierodattyus streams karaoke, merci (ileao's second charge) is a youtuber, the Judge hosts stars or hearts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:06:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 33,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27771970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hbxplain/pseuds/hbxplain
Summary: The MoM trio (and friends) are all YouTubers; Zabrell and Ileao are a couple-pranks channel, Alex does DIY instructional streams, and Kevin does motivational workout videos. When Alex is asked to collab with Zabrileao and do a prank on Ileao, it... goes a little better than he expected."Wow, that was fast."
Relationships: Alexander Candelson/Ileao, Ileao/Zabrell, Kevin McMillian/Darla
Kudos: 2





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years before the next chapter in this story, Zabrell and Ileao meet.

“Welcome back to Stars or Hearts!” the host booms. “As most of you know, this is a gameshow all about _love._ Eight contestants are chosen based on the romantic or platonic preferences of the influencer looking for love, and those contestants each choose an emoji before the show; either heart eyes, or starry eyes. If they choose heart, that means they’re in it for love, and if they make it to the end, they and their new lover get to go on a date to test the waters and potentially begin their new lives! If they choose star, they’re in it for the clout, and if they’re the finalist chosen by the lover, the lover loses and has to host an eight-hour stream with the star, thus boosting their popularity!”

“Our lover for this episode of Stars or Hearts is _Zabrell,_ an up-and-coming prank youtuber under the channel name ‘AngelNuke.’ Xe’s new to the youtube game, but xe’s climbing the ranks especially quickly and making a huge splash in the waters! Zabrell, can you tell us a little about yourself?”

“It’d be my pleasure,” Zabrell says with an easy smile. Xe’s an elf with pale green skin and a cultural sun mark under hir eye, and hir long, platinum blond hair is gathered up into a ponytail. “I’m Zabrell, I use xe/hir pronouns. I’m known for being ‘clever and conniving’—which I choose to take as a compliment!” The host laughs raucously, and the contestants, while muted, can be seen chuckling. “I specialize in pranks that make people laugh and, most importantly, get a reaction out of them. But I also put a lot of weight in morality, and doing the right thing. Lathandar is an important, albeit small, part of my life.”

Zabrell pauses, and then xe smirks. “Oh,” xe says, standing up from hir chair. Xe backs up from the desk so the camera can capture hir entire body. “And I’m 7’2”.”

Some of the contestants visibly swoon, and the host laughs again. “There’s a lot to love here!” the host says. “Literally! And now that we’ve met you, Zabrell: What are you looking for in a _partner?_ _”_

Zabrell sits back down, tapping hir cheek in thought. “Well,” xe says after a few seconds, “I suppose I’d like someone easygoing, good at adapting and going with the flow. I value compromise in a relationship, so while I’d love someone stubborn enough to banter with, I don’t want us arguing all the time just because neither of us wants to give in. I need someone fun, and willing to help out with my pranks every once in a while.” Xe smiles. “And I’ll admit that I have a bit of a thing for height differences.”

“Ooh,” the host says. “Well, you’re in luck, ‘cuz we’ve got a lot of shorties!” Many of the contestants gasp in offense or make cutesy faces at the camera. “Oh, it’s all in jest, my friends! Now, let’s introduce some of our contestants!” The host goes down the list, giving brief background on each person and allowing them to unmute and introduce themselves. There’s an uptight elven woman named Heirodattyus whose description of her channel genre was simply ‘karaoke,’ an orc named Gnorc who went on for an entire minute about why they refused to get attached without ample reason, and a human man who seemed to shout every other word and oozed cowardice.

And then, finally, there is an elf. Ey have pale blue skin and absurdly done-up navy hair, and ey have a cultural moon mark under eir eye similar to Zabrell’s. Ey look like ey just stepped right off a runway with clothing straight out of a ridiculous high fashion booklet and eyeliner far sharper than necessary. Ey’re lounging sideways on eir chair, eir legs crooked over one of the armrests as ey twirl a stim bag filled with pebbles around eir fingers.

“And our last contestant: Ileao, of ‘Il-Intentioned’ on Tiktok!” the host says. “Ey used to be known for eir tiktoks wherein ey went out in public dressed in eir usual attire and bullied old conservative people, but now ey’re much better known for eir reputation to come on this show… and choose ‘star’ every single time.”

“What can I say?” Ileao asks, smirking at the camera. “I love the chaos.”

“Don’t we know it!” the host laughs. “Care to actually introduce yourself?”

Ey sigh, swinging eir legs around to lean closer to the camera. “Sure, sure. I’m Ileao, you know that. I’m only allowed to be on episodes of this show with scheduled breaks, so I can have a chance to get all the curse words out of my system before we’re live again. Apparently Twitch isn’t a huge fan.” Ey shrug, grinning. “My last relationship was a shitty- er, crappy one, which is why I have exactly zero plans to enter another!”

Zabrell seems exactly as interested in Ileao as xe has been in all the other contestants—no more, no less. But then the host asks, “You think you’ll attract the same kind of person again?”

And Ileao hesitates. For only a moment, for a short enough time that not even the chat catches on. But Zabrell does. Ileao says, “Eh, doubt it. I’m an absolute delight to be around, you know. It’d be anyone’s honor.”

And Zabrell doesn’t believe em.

“Of course it would,” the host chuckles. “You’re confident as ever.”

“I’ve got a reputation to keep up!”

For the rest of the show, Ileao survives each and every round. The chat is torn between fury and crying tears of laughter; every all-caps message is either a criticism of Zabrell’s judgment or praise of Ileao’s sarcastic trickery. Even the host seems completely baffled as to why ey haven’t been booted off yet. Eventually, it comes down to Ileao and Gnorc.

Per the show’s rules, they are each allowed a five minute ‘date’ with Zabrell within a semi-private video call. Zabrell seems more bored than anything for almost all of the date with Gnorc, despite his eager participation. And then it’s Ileao’s turn.

They have a ‘normal’ conversation. Ileao spits acid at every opportunity, but Zabrell never once flinches away. Never once seems insulted, or intimidated. With thirty seconds left of the date, xe suddenly asks, “Ileao, can you tell me something?”

“Ugh. What?” ey ask, raising eir eyebrows.

“Do you think you deserve to be loved?”

Ileao’s eyes widen almost imperceptibly, eir breath hitching quietly, hardly picked up by eir microphone. The chat is filled with question marks and confused emojis.

“Of course,” ey scoff. “Why?”

“Because _I_ do.”

“You-” Ileao’s eyes are wide again, eir eyebrows lifted with disbelief. For a moment, ey exude a type of naivety and innocence that ey’ve never displayed online before. “You think I deserve-?”

“Anddd time’s up!” the host shouts, and Ileao falls back into eir chair, forcefully pushing emself a foot or so away from the desk. Ey smirk confidently at the camera after that, winking at the chat, but ey’re trembling slightly, the corners of eir smile tipping downward every few seconds.

Zabrell DMs hir final choice to the host, and the host does a dramatic build-up, complete with a drumroll and an absurd amount of intense music. “The person… who Zabrell has chosen… to have won hir heart… _is_ _…_

“ _Gnorc!”_

When Ileao’s face falls, however subtly, the chat catches it. They clip the stream, save the VOD, screenshot the expression of what could almost be heartbreak, if given the time to grow. The host reveals that Ileao chose ‘star,’ and Ileao sticks eir tongue out and arrogantly flips off the camera before eir display is removed from the stream’s view. The host then reveals that Gnorc chose ‘heart,’ and Zabrell smiles blandly.

Gnorc and Zabrell livestream a ‘date’ wherein Zabrell puts forth the smallest amount of effort hir fans have ever known from hir. Gnorc is clearly very invested in the whole thing, but Zabrell seems as though xe couldn’t care less if xe tried.

After that, xe tags Ileao on Twitter, asking if ey’d like to retroactively pick ‘heart.’

Ileao, to everyone’s surprise, says ‘yes.’

* * *

* * *

**Transcript:**

The image is of a tiktok video by creator @il-intentioned. Ey have a blue checkmark by eir name. The video is tagged with #fuckitup, #letsgetmebannedagain, and #ripoldmanjenkins. It has 1M likes, 48K comments, and 69.9K shares. The tiktok shows Ileao, a pale blue elf with funky navy hair and extremely strange multicolored clothing. Ey're shushing the camera, making a mischievous face while standing on a sidewalk.


	2. The Break-Up Prank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zabrell plays a prank on Ileao.

**BREAKING UP WITH MY SO TO SEE HOW EY REACT!**

_ “ What’s  _ up, guys, it’s me, Zabrell, and it’s time for another prank video! Today, we’re gonna be breaking up with my partner Ileao to see how ey react!” Zabrell puts hir hand over hir mouth, muffling a laugh. “Guys, I really don’t know how this is gonna go. Smash like, hit that subscribe button, and ring that bell so you’ll know when I post another video like this one!” Xe grins, tilting the camera. “This is gonna be  _ savage.  _ Comment below if you think ey’ll cry!”

Xe reaches forward, placing hir hand over the camera lens, and the video cuts to a different scene. Zabrell is holding hir camera at waist-height, pointing it at Ileao. Ey’re significantly shorter than hir, enough so that the camera is only about a foot below eir eye level, and ey’re wearing an absurd combination of skirts and various shirts beneath a cropped jacket. Ey look ready to leave, playing idly with the rings in eir pointy pierced ears as ey swing a ring of car keys around with eir other hand.

“Are you ready?” ey ask, sounding bored as ey glance around the room.

Zabrell scoffs from behind the camera. “You say that as though you didn’t just take half an hour to get ready.”

Ileao frowns, looking up at hir. “You didn’t tell me we were going anywhere until the last minute!” Ey sniff haughtily, before pausing suddenly and locking eyes with the camera. “Wait, are you recording?”

“What? No. This… isn’t even a camera.”

Ileao’s quiet for a moment. “Oh,” ey finally say, looking a little embarrassed. “Sorry. Anyway, I- Uh, I had to do my makeup.”

Zabrell snorts. “Oh, you  _ had  _ to, huh?”

Ileao’s eyes had been drifting, but they suddenly snap back up to Zabrell, narrowing dangerously. “The fuck is that supposed to mean? You get pissed if we go somewhere and I don’t look good!”

Immediately, Zabrell laughs. “Oh my god,  _ Ileao.  _ You think  _that_ looks good?”

Ileao furrows eir eyebrows, ducking eir head self-consciously. “I… thought so, yeah. Asshole.”

“Sure. Don’t walk too close to me while we’re out, okay?”

Ileao snarls, stomping out of the room. As soon as ey’re out the door, Zabrell lifts the camera higher and turns it around, making a shocked face at the camera. “Oh my god, ey’re  _ so  _ mad!” xe half-whispers. Xe shakes hir head, laughing. “I feel so bad, oh man. But hey, anything for you guys!” A little pop-up appears on the video with a short animation of the mouse cursor clicking the like button, and then the screen fades to black once more.

The shot cuts to them in the car, the camera on the dashboard as Zabrell drives and Ileao leans against the window, looking bored again.

“Can we talk about something?” ey huff. “This is boring. When are we gonna be there? Where are we even going?”

Zabrell rolls eir eyes. “God, you’re so impatient. I  _ told  _ you, we’re going to a new place out of town.”

“It’s such a long drive,” ey moan dramatically, pressing eir cheek up against the window.

“Look, if I can sit through hearing about your day every night, then you can endure a short drive.”

Ileao furrows eir eyebrows, looking hurt for only a moment before ey put on a forcefully blank face. “Okay, damn. Are you just feeling extra pissy today, or what?”

“I guess I just don’t have the energy to deal with you today.”

Ileao sneers, glaring at hir. “Since when are you just _‘_ _ dealing’  _ with me?” ey ask. Zabrell looks over at em, raising an eyebrow disbelievingly, and Ileao sinks down against eir seat, looking down at the floor of the car. “Never… Never mind.”

“Yeah,” Zabrell scoffs. “Try not to ask any more stupid questions.”

Ileao crosses eir arms, looking back out the window. It’s quiet for a few moments while Zabrell makes exaggerated regretful expressions at the camera. Then Ileao quietly asks, “Do- So does that mean you don’t wanna talk?”

“Good  _ Lathandar,  _ Ileao, why are you being so annoying today?”

“I don’t know,” ey say quietly, sinking in on emself even more. “Never mind.”

Zabrell makes another exaggerated grimace at the camera, and the scene cuts abruptly to black. When the video cuts back in, the camera is positioned half-hidden by the condiment tray on a restaurant table. Zabrell and Ileao are seated across from each other, with Zabrell looking over the menu while Ileao has eir arms on the table and eir chin resting in eir hand.

“What are you getting?” Zabrell asks, and Ileao shrugs.

“I’ll just get…” Ey trail off, thinking. “I’ll just have some of yours.”

Zabrell rolls hir eyes. “How  _ much  _ of mine?”

“Not much!” Ileao says, huffing and crossing eir arms in protest.

“Come  _ on.” _ Zabrell sets the menu down, leveling Ileao with an unimpressed look. “We went way out of town for this place, it’s a special occasion!”

Ileao seems wary. “Okay… Uh, I’ll try… a smoothie?”

“Something without many calories, that’s smart!” Zabrell replies, and Ileao slumps in relief at the praise.

Ey seem overall just more comfortable after that, relaxing as the waitress approaches to take their order. After she leaves, Ileao says, “Sooo, what’s the occasion?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, why the hell are we in a random mom-and-pop restaurant half an hour away from our apartment?” Ey raise an eyebrow. “Not that I don’t appreciate it, but… I don’t know, it’s  _weird._ You don’t usually do this kind of thing.”

Zabrell seems antsy, like xe’s gearing up for the finale. “Oh, no reason…”

Ileao squints. “Okay, wow, that was  _ so  _ sketchy. Really, what is it?”

“Eh, I just thought we needed to… spice things up a little.”

Ileao frowns. “What? Why?”

“I’ve just been getting bored of you lately,” Zabrel says, shrugging. “That’s all. I thought maybe I could fix that by taking you out somewhere new.”

Ileao sits up in alarm. “W-What? I- How come?”

Zabrell sighs. “See, this is what I mean. You’re just not  _ i nteresting .  _ Or pretty. Or fun to be around, in general.”

“W-Wait, I-” Ileao seems to be working emself into a panic, and Zabrell doesn’t look too keen to help. “Why? What did I do? Did I mess up somehow?”

“Are you even listening to me?” xe asks, sounding annoyed.

“Yes! I just- How do I fix it?”

Zabrell sighs. “I don’t think you  _ can  _ fix it. You’re just  _ like  _ this. I don’t know how anyone else could ever stand you.”

Ileao’s eyes are wide with panic. “No one ever has!” ey nearly shout, eir voice wavering with emotion. “You’re the first one to ever put up with me, I- Zabrell, please, you can just- you can tell me what to fix and I’ll fix it, I swear!” There are tears gathering in eir eyes. Irrelevant restaurant patrons are beginning to look their way. “I-I can pick up new hobbies and learn to be more interesting, I can watch fucking makeup tutorials on youtube and eat less like you always tell me to, I can- I can-” Ey slump against the back of the booth, sniffling pitifully. “Please. Zabby,  _ please.” _

Zabrell sticks hir nose up, looking away from Ileao to gather hir things and pick up the camera. “Yeah, no. I think we’re past that, Eel.” Xe stands, side-stepping out of the booth and keeping the camera focused on Ileao even as xe walks toward the restaurant door. “We’re done. You can drop by the apartment to pick up your stuff. After that, I don’t ever want to see you again.”

Ileao jumps to eir feet, wings catching against the back of the booth, tears running down eir cheeks. Ey quickly swipe at eir eyes with eir sleeve, and eir makeup smudges orange on blue skin. “Z-Zabrell, fuck, wait- I- I can’t, I don’t- How am I going to get back?”

“Fly!” xe calls over hir shoulder, and the camera catches one last shot of Ileao collapsing back onto the booth before the door swings shut behind hir and xe makes hir way over to the car. It’s sprinkling, and drops of rain fall against the lens. Xe makes faces at the camera as xe shuts the car door, turning the engine on and setting the camera on the dashboard. “Holy  _shit!_ Did you guys see that? Ey were crying and everything, ey really believed that! Ugh, I feel  _sooo_ bad.” Xe laughs, shifting the car out of park. “The things I do for this channel. Anyway, I’ll see you guys again when Ileao gets back to the apartment and I tell em this was all a prank!”

Xe covers the lens with hir palm, and the screen cuts to a black background with **“THE NEXT DAY”** in bold, white text and accompanied by a deep, sudden sound effect. Slowly, it fades in to the shaky scene of their apartment as Zabrell walks through it, carrying the camera in front of hir.

“Okay, guys,” Zabrell says, slightly hushed. “It’s eight AM, and I’m actually a little worried. Ileao never came home last night, and I’m starting to think ey might have gone to a friend’s house or something. What if ey cheated on me because ey thought we were broken up!?” Xe blows out a breath, clearly stressed. “So I’m gonna go drop by some of our friends’ places, see if I can find em. I’ve already texted a couple friends, but I’m still going out just in case.” Xe unlocks the apartment door, beginning to open it. “I don’t-”

Xe trails off, the camera shaking precariously as xe drop into a crouch in the hallway of their apartment building. Ileao is curled up against the wall by the door, wings furled around emself, fast asleep but looking distressed even now. “Oh, shit, were ey here all night?” Zabrell whispers to hirself. “Fuck, I took the keys!” The camera is set down on the floor of the hallway, just barely showing Zabrell and Ileao on the side of the frame as xe reaches over to gently shake eir shoulders. Ey whine quietly as ey begin to stir, blinking drearily up at Zabrell as ey stretch eir wings outward.

Then eir eyes widen, eir breath hitching as ey scramble to sit up straighter. “Zabrell! I- I couldn’t-”

“Good Lathandar, Ileao,” Zabrell says. Ileao sniffs, and Zabrell holds out hir arms. “Come here.” Ileao doesn’t question it, launching emself forward to let Zabrell hold em, and Zabrell grimaces. “Shit. I’m sorry, baby, yesterday wasn’t- That wasn’t real. It was a prank! I wasn’t actually breaking up with you.”

Ileao freezes, eir previously shaking shoulders rendered eerily still. Zabrell looks nervous. Slowly, Ileao pulls back, looking at Zabrell with red eyes.

“That… was a  _ prank,”  _ ey say quietly.  _ Dangerously. _

Zabrell laughs uncomfortably. “Yeah, it’s for a video. I didn’t think you’d react so badly!”

Ileao takes a deep breath. “You… You didn’t think I’d react badly to you  _breaking up with me?”_ Ey’re  _ fuming  _ as ey push emself to eir feet, face far out of frame. “You broke up with me in front of a  _ ton  _ of other people, said you didn’t even like spending time with me,  _ abandoned  _ me in a weird restaurant thirty minutes from our house, and made me  _fly home in the rain-”_ Ey laugh hysterically. “And you thought I’d react  _well_ to that!?”

Zabrell jumps to hir feet. “Well, no, but-”

“No,  _ fuck you,  _ Zabrell! God, you’re such an  _ asshole,  _ I can’t fucking believe you!” Ey spin on eir heels, stomping into the apartment, and Zabrell steps half-way through the doorframe.

“What are you doing?” xe calls worriedly.

“Packing my fucking bags!” comes Ileao’s muffled reply. “I’m staying at Merci’s house!”

“Wait, Ileao, you know that’s not a good idea-”

“Shut  _up!”_ ey shriek, eir voice wavering precariously. Only a few moments later, ey walk back out of the apartment, shouldering past Zabrell with an off-brand Jucci bag in hand. “Don’t fucking talk to me. I need time to cool down.” Ey walk out of frame again, and Zabrell runs after em.

“Ileao, baby-”

“I’m not listening, Zabrell!” There’s the echoing sound of a door slamming shut, and then it’s silent for several seconds, a silence which is filled only by a menacingly suspenseful sound effect before the screen fades to black.

“Well,” Zabrell says as it fades back in to hir face. Xe’s smiling, but it looks fake. “That was crazy! Thanks for watching all the way to the end. Remember to like the video if you want to see more content like this, and subscribe and ring the bell so you can keep up with us and be notified when I post a video of what happens with Ileao! Again,  _ please  _ like!” Xe puts on a silly desperate voice. “I lost my partner because of this video! I  _definitely_ deserve your like.” Xe grins, a little more genuinely, and waves to the camera. “I’ll see you guys… in the next video!”

Xe waves hir hand in a huge arc across the screen, before ending with hir hand over the lens again. The video switches to a cheery song overlaid on a green and blue patterned background with two ‘recommended video’ annotations across it.

The video ends. The pinned comment is by Zabrileao hirself: “Like this comment if you think Ileao’s overreacting, reply if you think I need to apologize! ;) And remember to subscribe to become part of the Angel Nation!”

The comment has seventy-two replies.

It has twenty-two thousand likes.


	3. The "Mystery" Prank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zabrell digs hirself a deeper hole and somehow faces no consequences.

**MYSTERY Prank On My PARTNER!?**

_“What’s_ up guys, it’s me, Zabrell, and it’s been about a week since Ileao left to stay at BegForMerci’s place. I’ve been texting back and forth with her, and it seems like ey’re still pretty hung up on my last prank, soooo.” Zabrell grins confidently. “Today, I’m going over to Merci’s house for _another_ prank! I really think this one’s gonna help, Ileao will be moved back in in _no_ time.” Xe glances back and forth. “I was thinking about keeping this one a secret and trying to make you guys guess what I was up to, but… No, you know what? I _will_ make you guess!” Xe winks at the camera. “Just keep an eye on how I’m acting! Smash like, hit that subscribe button, and ring that bell so you’ll know when I post another video like this one. And comment if you figure out the prank before I reveal it!”

Xe places hir hand over the lens, and the feed cuts to a view of Zabrell’s shoes as xe walks somewhere. The camera pans up to reveal the front door of a house, which Zabrell stops in front of. Xe turns the camera around so it’s recording hir face. “Okay, so we’re here at BegForMerci’s house, and I just finished texting her that I’m here. Hopefully Ileao won’t notice that she’s opening the door. Okay, okay, shh!”

The door opens suddenly, and Merci peaks through. She’s a half-elf with short blonde hair, and she’s wearing just a tank top and shorts. When her eyes find the camera, she smiles wide and unnecessarily hushes Zabrell, opening the door wider to let hir slip in.

“Ey’re in the living room, we were watching movies,” she whispers. “Do you want em standing up for this?”

“That’ll probably work better, but ey’ll probably stand when I come in anyway,” Zabrell whispers back.

Merci shrugs. “Suit yourself. Alright, come on.” She walks further into the house, with Zabrell walking along behind her. “In here,” she whispers to hir, and xe passes the camera to her so she can set it on a ledge looking into the living room, where Ileao is curled up with eir knees to eir chest on the couch. “Ileao!” Merci calls, and ey snap eir head around to look at her in confusion. “Someone’s here to see you.”

Ey furrow eir eyebrows. “What? Who the fuck-”

Zabrell walks into the room, and, sure enough, Ileao jumps to eir feet.

“Shit-” Ileao huffs, running a hand through eir hair. “Zabrell, I _don’t_ want to see you right now, I-”

Abruptly, Zabrell stumbles back in alarm.

Ileao tilts eir head. “What the hell, are you good?” Ey take a step closer, and Zabrell presses up against the wall, as far away from em as ey can get. “What are you- Zabrell?”

Zabrell shakes hir head quickly. “Are you mad?” xe asks. Merci snickers on the other side of the room, quietly enough that only the camera picks it up.

“I- _Yes,_ of fucking _course_ I’m mad at you!” Ileao shouts, throwing eir hands up, and Zabrell suddenly crumples to the floor, holding hir arms in front of hir face like a cross. Xe whimpers quietly, turning hir head so as not to have to look at Ileao, and eir eyes widen. “Z-Zabrell..?”

Zabrell doesn’t respond, and Ileao drops to the floor, crouching in front of hir in concern. Ey reach out a hand, gently, slowly, and Zabrell gasps and curls in on hirself. “Oh god, please don’t!”

Ileao’s eyes are wide with confusion and pain as ey immediately retract eir hand, and then Merci strides across the room, looking furious as she pushes Ileao away, leaving em to scramble backwards as she stands protectively in front of Zabrell. Ileao quickly gets to eir feet, tilting eir head in confusion and concern. “M-Merci..?”

“Don’t you fucking touch hir,” Merci snarls. “How _dare_ you!”

“What- What did I do!?” Ileao asks, sounding panicked. “Is xe hurt? Can I help?”

“No, _idiot,”_ Merci yells. “Xe’s fucking _afraid_ of you! What did you _do_ to hir?”

Ileao wipes eir eyes quickly with eir sleeve. “Z-Zabrell? I don’t… Why…?”

“You’re going to be angry,” Zabrell says with a shaking voice. It’s painfully obvious that xe’s faking, but it’s also clear that Ileao is entirely convinced.

“About what?” Ileao asks. “I’d never be angry enough to _hurt_ you, I- W-Why would-”

“You didn’t come home all week,” Zabrell argues. “You’re pissed!”

“Well- _Yeah,_ but not-” Ileao sniffs, swiping at eir eyes again. “I’m sorry. Why would you think I would _hurt_ you?”

“So… you forgive me?”

“I- I mean, I-”

Merci glares at Ileao in warning. Ey shrink back, starting to shake with the strength of eir emotion. Zabrell is fake-crying.

“Of course I forgive you,” ey say, barely audible. “I’m sorry.”

Merci nods approvingly and moves out of the way, and Zabrell moves forward to let Ileao hug hir. They sit like that for a couple seconds, before Zabrell suddenly starts laughing, starting at a chuckle and growing more and more excited. Ileao pulls back slightly, clearly confused, and Zabrell snorts.

“What…?” Ileao asks, and Zabrell shakes hir head.

“Oh, Ileao.”

“What- _What?_ Are you- Are you okay?”

Zabrell laughs again, popping up to hir feet and pulling Ileao with hir. “Babe, this is a _prank._ I was pretending to be scared of you for a video!”

Ileao’s staring at hir with a doe-eyed expression. “...Again? Another- Why would you-”

Zabrell grins and pulls Ileao close, hugging em tight and then lifting em up to spin em around before setting em back down. “Oh my god, babe, you’re so cute.”

“‘Cute’ is one word for it,” Merci snorts.

“Zabrell,” Ileao says quietly, “why would you do that..?” Zabrell shrugs, trying to pull em back out of the living room, and ey yank away from hir to stand in the middle of the room, glaring at hir with clenched fists. “No, I’m not- You can’t just _do_ this to me, over and over, and still get to _have_ me, I- I can’t-”

“Oh, come on, Ileao, it’s just a prank,” Zabrell says, waving dismissively. Xe throws an arm around eir shoulders only for em to shrug hir off. Xe rolls hir eyes. “Let’s go home, we can watch the video together.”

_“ No!”_ Ileao yells, eir eyes brimming with tears. “No, I’m not ‘going home,’ I’m- I’m-”

“You’re what?” Merci asks, raising an eyebrow. “You’re not staying here, that’s for damn sure.”

“I- I-” Ey bite eir lip, glancing helplessly around the room. “I’ll…”

Zabrell puts hir arm around em again, and this time ey just slump against hir. “Yeah, alright. No worries, baby, I’m not mad. I know you’re feeling weird.”

Ileao sniffs, turning to press eir face up against Zabrell’s chest. “I just… Can we just go home, please?”

“Aw, of course we can,” Zabrell coos, leading em out of the room. They stop for Zabrell to pick up the camera, and Merci waves, loudly plugging her merch as they walk out her front door. As they walk out onto the porch, Zabrell closes the door behind them and then holds the camera up above them both, angling it down to capture their faces as Ileao continues to sniffle and wipe at eir eyes, letting Zabrell guide em. “Alright guys, I’d say that prank was a _success!_ Remember to subscribe to join the Angel Nation, and ring that bell to get a notification when we post more pranks like this one!” Ey nudge Ileao lightly. “Wanna close us out, babe?”

“Smash that like,” Ileao says weakly, and the video cuts to the end screen, with upbeat music and annotations.

* * *

**Transcript:**

The image is a screenshot of the Youtube comment section of a video titled "MYSTERY Prank On My PARTNER!?" The video is tagged with #couplepranks. It has 3,384,776 views, 190K likes, and 752K dislikes, and was posted on September 6, 644. It was posted by the channel "Zabrileao." They have a verified checkmark and 2.74M subscribers. Their channel icon is a photo of Zabrell and Ileao standing by each other. Zabrell is a pale green elf with long, platinum blonde hair, yellow eyes, and a dark green sun printed under hir right eye. Xe is holding up a peace sign. Ileao is a shorter pale blue elf with quiffed navy hair, cyan eyes, and a crescent moon printed under eir right eyes. Ey're holding up eir middle finger in front of Zabrell's peace sign, creating a strange "w." They are both smiling, though Ileao's is more devilish.

The video description reads, "In this video, I pull a MYSTERY PRANK on my partner Ileao! Spoiler alert: Ey cry again! Like and subscribe to save my relationship (cry-laughing emoji)" and the rest is hidden by a "Show more."

The video has 8,346 comments. The top one was 5 hours ago and reads "idk this was kinda fucked up tho...." It has 13K likes and 10 replies.

The next comment was posted 18 hours ago and has been edited. It reads, "Dude I think you went too far on this one. Ileao looked really scared. And you kind of manippulated em into forgiving you... edit: Okay yes, I realize I spelled manippulate wrong. I fixed it now." It has 15K likes.

On the sidebar are several recommended videos. The first is titled "Make Your Own Fireworks! (Don't Worry, I'm Fine)" and is posted by AlexanDIY, who has a verified checkmark. The thumbnail is of three multi-colored striped fireworks with stars behind them, and the words "DIY FIREWORKS" overlaid on them. The video length is 22:53. It has 2.6M views and was posted 2 days ago. It is marked as "new."

The next video is titled "BREAKING UP WITH MY SO TO SEE HOW EY REACT!" It is posted by Zabrileao. The thumbnail is a bright orange background behind cutouts of Ileao and Zabrell. Ileao seems upset. There are several green and blue arrows pointing to em, and the word "TEARS!!!" is written diagonally at the top. There's a cry-laughing emoji on the bottom right. The video length is 10:01. It has 5M views, and was posted 1 week ago.

The third video is titled "Motivational Workout Video: Ep 672 :)" by Kevivational, who has a verified checkmark. The thumbnail is the torso-up of a Hispanic man with brown hair. He is shirtless, and his eyes are closed happily. "WOOO!" is written at the top of the thumbnail, and there is a green background with star sparkles on it. The video length is 15:06. It has 196K views and was posted 1 week ago.

The fourth video is titled "Zabrell + Ileao Cutest Moments Compilation!" It was posted by zabrileao101. The thumbnail is the Zabrileao channel icon, surrounded by hearts. The video length is 56:44. It has 62K views and was posted 2 months ago.

The fifth video is titled "AlexanDIY Stream Highlights 2/02/643" and was posted by xXconspiracy theoristXx. The thumbnail is a blurry image of a caucasian man with grey hair holding scissors. The video length is 22:11. IT has 3.3M views, and it was posted 1 year ago.

The sixth and last video is titled "The REAL Reason Zabrileao Won't Collab With Me!" and was posted by BegForMerci, who has a verified checkmark. The thumbnail is a shadowed cutout of a white half-elf's face over a pink background with the word "EXPLAINED!!" written in small print. She has short blond hair and wide blue eyes. The video length is 20:02. It has 4.1M views and was posted 1 year ago.


	4. Wrong Number DMs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin helps as much as he can.

Ileao deletes the messages. It's better if no one finds them.

* * *

**Transcript:**

The images show a Twitter DM between @not-fallen-just-exiled, named Ileao, with the Zabrileao channel icon, and someone with a picture of a Hispanic human with dark brown hair and green eyes.

not-fallen-just-exiled (Ileao): are you good for the video tomorrow? zabrell won’t stfu about it so I wanna confirm

KevivationalsYT (Kevin): Um… Are you sure you have the right person? This is Kevin from Kevivational, I don’t think I’ve ever talked to you before.

Ileao: oh shit! sorry idk how i messaged you instead of her

Kevin: It's fine! ^.^ You're Ileao, right? Zabrell's your partner from the channel?

Ileao: uhhh yeah but if i talk to people xe doesn't know then xe gets pissy as all hell so i probably shouldn't talk to you anymore, sorry

Kevin: That's kind of concerning... You should be allowed to talk to whoever you want!

Ileao: riiiiight. ok psycho, don't message me again

Kevin: No, really! I'm worried about you now. Is Zabrell always that controlling?

Ileao: idk, ig so...

Ileao: ...is that not normal?

Kevin: No, it's not. Do you have any friends that aren't Zabrell's friends also?

Ileao: no....

Ileao: this is stupid, leave me tf alone

Kevin: You're still talking to me though!

Kevin: Maybe you should try making some new friends that Zabrell doesn't know, to like get back some of your independence. :)

Ileao: what, like you?

Kevin: I guess I wouldn't mind being friends with you

Ileao: wow, so that's a solid no

Kevin: No, really! You should try reaching out to a couple other people too, though. Maybe some other YouTubers!

Ileao: huh

Ileao: ...thanks i guess

Kevin: No problem. :)


	5. Alex's Twitch Stream, ft. Ileao

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ileao takes a chance and 'reaches out.'

Ileao likes to watch Alex, because Alex is calm, and smart, and easy to listen to. And then he sets himself on fire while trying to make magic happen. And Ileao thinks if ey don't get the courage up now, ey never will.

* * *

**Transcript:**

A screenshot of the Twitch website. On the left side of the stream is a sidebar with two headings. Under the first heading, "Followed Channels," there are two streamers: AlexanDIY, doing DIY Experiments with 57.5K viewers; and Kev-Motivationals, Just Chatting with 4.7K viewers. Under the second heading, "Recommended Channels," there are five streamers: MightyMo, who is Offline; ElfoBeauty, doing a Makeup Tutorial with 933 viewers; JustASnack playing Mobos-mon: Sun and Moon, with 3.7K viewers; BegForMerci, Just Chatting with 25.6K viewers; and HieroWorship, doing Karaoke with 136 viewers.

In the center of the screen is the livestream. Alex, a man with shoulder-length wavy grey hair and a short goatee, grey eyes, and pale skin is in the center of the frame. He appears surprised, looking at his laptop with wide eyes. He is wearing a yellow shirt, half of which is covered in soot.

There is a brown table in front of him, on which sit an open grey laptop with a fire sticker on the back, a wrench, a wand, and a large charred area in the middle.

In the top right corner of the livestream frame, the words "not-fallen-just-exiled donated 50 GP!" are in large font above the slightly smaller words, "haha fool you caught yourself on fire :P"

Below the livestream frame are the livestream's stats. It is streamed by AlexanDIY, who has a profile picture of black fire and a purple checkmark beside his name. The stream's title is "no longer on fire," and the activity is "DIY Experiments." It is tagged with "English" and "DIY." There are 57,523 viewers, and the stream has been going for four hours and seventeen minutes.

On the right side of the screenshot is the stream chat, set to Followers-Only. It reads:

doityourshelf: SET ON FIRE A G A I N?

DayBreakUpAlready: OUR BOY'S CRAZY XD

CandelsonFandelson: lets see YOU do that trick!

doityourshelf: not making fun of him lol, im a fan!!

DayBreakUpAlready: uH??? IS THAT ILEAO!??

doityourshelf: FROM ZABRILEAO!?!!?

DI-Why: omg my faves are interacting

CandelsonFandelson: alex doesn't usually read donations... why's he focusing on this one so much? he won't stop looking at the laptop!

CandelsonFandelson: he's laughing a LOT....

DayBreakUpAlready: LOL I ship it already!

DI-Why: omg, zabrileao + alexdiy collab when??

doityourshelf: OMG I WOULD LITERALLY DIE IF THEY COLLABBED?

DI-Why: alexxx give the people what they want!!!


	6. Alex and Ileao's Twitter DMs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex's fans accidentally tattle on Ileao.

It doesn't take long for word to get out.

Ileao can breathe.

* * *

**Transcript:  
  
**

The first image is a Twitter thread. The original poster is @ilealexshipper22, with the name Ilealex Conspiracy Theories. Their icon is an edit of Alex and Ileao's faces with hearts around them and a pink filter. The tweet reads, "For those of you who missed Alex's stream last night- Ileao actually donated! I'm holding out hope <3 @not-fallen-just-exiled @AlexanDIY" and attached is a screenshot of Alex's stream with Ileao's picture poorly photoshopped into it. It was posted September 12, 644, at 3 PM, from "Twitter for iStone." It has 8.1K retweets and 14.6K likes.

The top reply is from @alexownsmysoul, named <3 <3 <3\. Their icon is an edit of Alex's face surrounded by stars in space. It reads, "oh my godss!!!!! im going crazy! and did you see alex? our boy was practically making heart eyes at the laptop lol! has he watched zabrileao before?? @AlexanDIY" and it has 78 replies, 28 retweets, and 3K likes.

Below is a reply to @alexownsmysoul from @AlexanDIY, named Alexander Candleson. His icon is his face. He has a blue checkmark by his name. His reply reads, "I have, yes. Though not the channel's main videos." It has 257 replies, 28 retweets, and 23K likes.

Below that is a reply to @AlexanDIY from @ileaosupportclubpresident, named Protect Em!!! Their icon is the Zabrileao channel icon, with Zabrell cropped out of it, leaving only Ileao flipping off the camera. It reads, "Uh, does that mean you watch Ileao's side series? I thought only hardcore fans watched that!" and it has 12 replies, 32 retweets, and 12K likes.

The second image is another Twitter thread. The original poster is @AlexanDIY. It reads, "Just so people will stop asking: Yes, I watch Zabrileao's "Fashion Fucked" (excuse my language) series. Last night's stream was still the first time I'd ever interacted with either of them." It was posted at 8:32 PM on September 12, 644, and it has 20.3K retweets and 45K likes.

The top reply is from @justdrama, named Latest Celeb Drama Here!. Their icon is the screaming salad cat. It reads "Since when does Alex like FASHION of all things? Yeah, I'm not buying it." It has 15 replies, 5 retweets, and 3K likes. 

@alexownsmysoul has replied to @justdrama with, "isn't it obvious??? he's there for ileao!!" The reply has 26 replies, 103 retweets, and 17K likes.

The second shown reply to Alex's tweet is by @zabrileao, named Zabby+Eels. Their icon is the Zabrileao channel icon. They have a blue checkmark by their name. Their tweet reads, "I see. I was unaware of this interaction up until now, but now that I know, I would be so pleased to do a collab with you sometime. DM me for details. -Zabrell" and it has 2K replies, 128 retweets, and 20K likes.

@ilealexshipper22 has replied to @zabrileao with, "Un-Follow Me Now, This Is Gonna Be The Only Thing I Tweet About For The Next Week. Ive Wanted This for Years Fuck. What The Fuck." It has 12 replies, 13 retweets, and 156 likes.  
  
  


The next set of images is a twitter DM between @not-fallen-just-exiled, named Ileao (with the Zabrileao channel icon) and presumably @AlexanDIY, judging by the icon.

Ileao (15m): stop posting about the fuckin dono holy shit

Alex (14m): Hello, Ileao. Is there a problem?

Ileao (14m): yes oh my god stop posting about the stream!

Alex (14m): Isn't it good publicity for us both?

Ileao (14m): idfc, zabrell hates it and im fucking tired of hearing about it

Alex (13m): Xe hates it? But xe's been messaging me about a collab.

Ileao (13m): please say yes

Alex (13m): I'm confused. Do you want me to accept the collab, or stop talking about the entire thing?

Ileao (13m): UGH never mind, i'm just going to block you

Alex (13m): Wait!

Ileao (13m): what

Alex (12m): I'd really like to get to know you. You've always intrigued me, and now that we're actually talking... I don't want to miss the opportunity.

Ileao (12m): wow. what do you like most? the gullibility, or the way i so effortlessly make a fool of myself?

Alex (12m): The uniqueness. The way you stand out and don't seem to mind the fact. You're interesting, Ileao. Truly.

Ileao (10m): oh

Alex (10m): Oh?

Ileao (10m): ig we can talk

Ileao (10m): but not on here

Alex (9m): Why not?

Ileao (9m): zabrell snoops thru my twitter and shit to make sure im not cheating

Alex (9m): Oh. Have you cheated on hir before?

Ileao (9m): ofc not!

Alex (8m): Hmm.

Alex (8m): Where do you want to talk, then?

Ileao (7m): if i give you my number will you be cool about it

Alex (7m): Of course.

Ileao (7m): ok... ill send it in a second.

Ileao (7m): but first

Ileao (6m): you gotta promise you won't message me on here after this

Ileao (6m): or mention me in tweets

Ileao (6m): or on stream

Ileao (6m): and ESPECIALLY not to zabrell

Ileao (6m): deal?

Alex (6m): Why is this so important to you?

Ileao (6m): i uh

Ileao (5m): i GUESS i kinda wanna get to know you too

Ileao (5m): but if zabrell catches wind of that, i wont be allowed to

Ileao (5m): i just dont wanna fuck it up

Ileao (2m): alex?

Alex (1m): Okay, Ileao.

Alex (1m): Deal.

The next image is a text conversation. The phone's service provider is FAT&T, it's 10:07 PM, and the battery is at 46%. The contact name is "alex". The grey incoming message at the top reads, "Is this Ileao?"

The blue outgoing message below it reads, "yeah." The last outgoing message below that reads, "...thank you."

The last image is a tweet by @AlexanDIY. It reads, "Alright, alright! If we hit my twitch sub goal in the next month, I'll do a prank collab with Zabrileao. Are you happy, you brutes?" It was posted on 10AM on September 13, 644. It has 143K retweets and 789K likes.


	7. Fashion Fucked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ileao streams a special episode of eir series "Fashion Fucked."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The gif at the beginning is of Ileao wearing a sequined orange shirt over a yellow turtleneck and with a sparkly, sheer purple scarf over eir shoulders. Ey're wearing thick orange eyeliner with sharp wings, light purple blush, and lipstick blue on the left and purple on the right. Ey have yellow earrings in. Ey are holding up both middle fingers and swinging eir arms in and out in an arc. When eir hands come together, the words "Fashion Fucked" appear on screen in looping font with sparkles around it.

****

“Hey asswipes!”

Ileao sticks eir tongue out at the camera, as per usual, holding out two middle fingers and spreading them across the screen in an arc as the words “Fashion Fucked” appear in glittery, looping font.

“I’m Ileao, if you spell my name wrong you’re dead to me, and if I ever look like I _didn_ _’t_ just step directly out of an episode from this series, _I_ _’m_ dead to me!”

Sure enough, ey’re wearing what looks like the result of several curtains making a demon pact with a Hobby Lobby pack of plastic sequins. Eir eyeliner is bright orange with unnecessarily sharp wings, and ey’ve got two tiny orange stars painted on eir cheeks, just below eir eyes (and only barely avoiding eir moon mark). Eir lipstick is blue on the left side, purple on the right, split directly down the middle. Ey look very pleased with emself.

“So, for you people on Youtube: This episode is special, because I’m actually livestreaming it over on Twitch. I’ll chop up some highlights for the Youtube crowd, but just know that my cold, black heart lies with the true fans who are staying up ‘till 3am watching me ascend past human culture.”

A gif of a cartoon angel with demon horns appears in the top right corner of the screen. _“Ileaover-it donated 10 SP.”_ The text-to-speech bot begins to read it aloud in a stilted feminine voice. _“’Yesss the quing returns! I’ve missed this show so much :heart_eyes:’”_

Ileao pauses what ey’re doing to grin at the camera, seeming a little surprised but trying to hide it. “Aw, damn. Sappy bastards. Nice to know you actually wanted this.” Ey ‘tsk,’ shaking eir head at the camera. “But that just means you brought this on yourselves! No more at-ing me on twitter asking why I have a fashion self-awareness ‘equivalent to that of a small child.’ Swear to god.”

Ey reach off screen, pulling a few big pieces of ridiculously patterned fabric into view. “So, this is our palette for the night; I saw this _monstrosity_ of a skirt on Reddit and I thought it could use some improving.”

The angel-demon gif appears again. _“RolledASix donated 5 GP.”_ The text-to-speech kicks on. _“Are you okay? We’re worried about you after the last prank video.”_

Ileao’s smile turns strained. “Oh. Uh.” Ey swallow uncomfortably, glancing away and busying emself with the needle and various colored threads beside em. Ey seem to be organizing them based on color. Ey _never_ organize things, and eir fans know this. “Yeah, of course. It was just a prank. I mean, look at the views on that fucker! That’s… That’s peak comedy.” Ey laugh, and it’s pitifully weak.

“Anyway,” ey say, coughing and trying to force the video back on track. “This fuckin’ skirt, guys. Here, I’ve got a screenshot I can put onscreen…” A cropped screenshot of a perfectly reasonable plaid skirt appears in the bottom left corner of the screen, and Ileao makes an exaggerated expression of disgust. “This is pretty much a direct attack on Lathandar, I think. But…” Ey pull up that odd fabric again, also pulling a little plush tomato stuck with tens of little sewing pins into view on the table. Ey stick eir tongue out of the corner of eir mouth subconsciously as ey begin lining up the fabric and sticking it with pins to keep it in place. “As always, Ileao is here to save the day. So, I’m thinking we flip this fucker _upside-down-_ _”_

“ _IleaoProtectionSquad donated 50 SP,”_ appears on screen as the text-reader reads, _“it wasn’t a v good prank tho tbh. it was honestly super shitty, u didn’t deserve that ileao <3”._

Ileao jumps slightly in surprise at the screen reader’s voice, cursing to emself after ey accidentally jab eir hand with a pin. “God fuck.” Ey scowl as ey shake eir hand out, tossing the pin into the trash and reaching off screen to grab a band-aid. This must be a regular occurrence. “I’m _fine,_ okay? It’s all good. Zabrell was just playing around.” Ey huff dramatically. _“Now._ Back to this skirt, _damn._ Hey, why don’t you chucklefucks make yourself useful and go find a playlist for us to listen to?”

The chat erupts into recommendations, and Ileao hums in consideration as eir eyes skim over the chat while eir hands idly fiddle with the pin cushion. “Okay…” Ey bring a little spotify-plugin showing the songs and playlist name on the bottom right of the screen. “…Oh my god. These are all Hierodattyus covers. I hate you all.”

The chat erupts into “POG” emojis, and Ileao rolls eir eyes fondly as ey go back to skimming for recommendations. “Okay, here, this one looks fine. Oh shit, is this Hurry Styles? That singer’s got the dumbest fuckin’ name-” Ey burst into laughter as chat explodes again. “Sorry, good Lathandar! You all are _touchy._ Alright, back to the skirt. Finally.”

Ey spin around on eir chair, using some pins to hang the aligned fabric up on a cork-board on the back wall so the chat can see it more easily while ey work. Ey click eir tongue, swaying slightly to the song as ey look over the fabric appraisingly, occasionally reaching over to straighten it out or move it a little. “Yeah, this works. Okay, so now we’re gonna get the top hem all lined up. Blue or red for that part?”

The chat is filled with the word “BOTH” in all caps, over and over, and Ileao grins. “Thatta’ chat. I-”

“ _Zabbadabbadoo donated 10 SP.”_ Ileao narrows eir eyes. _“The prank WAS funny! Stop messaging em about it, ey don’t even have a reason to be angry.”_

Ileao blinks, quickly looking over at the hung-up fabric to avoid the camera. “…Yeah. Exactly. Which is why I’m _not_ angry.” Ey breathe in quickly, shoulders slumping almost imperceptibly. “Hey, mods, can we get a ban going on all mentions of that damn prank? Question answered, stop interrupting the fashion miracles. It’s getting repetitive.”

Ey get a couple thumbs-up emojis from some mods in chat, and ey nod firmly and move on.

☼☼☼

Hours later, ey’ve made good progress on the skirt. Ey’ve made a reverse hoop-skirt skeleton, so that it genuinely looks like eir mannequin is wearing the skirt upside-down (and that the fabric is defying gravity). Ey’re humming along idly to the chillstep song playing as ey kneel on the floor, just barely in frame, carefully scribbling patterns on the hem of the skirt with a blue fabric marker.

Ey glance over at chat, as ey always do every few minutes, and squint at how quickly it’s going by. “Shit, did I mess something up? Where?” ey ask, jumping to eir feet and quickly looking the skirt over before darting over to the table to scroll through chat. “I don’t…” Ey tilt eir head in confusion. “When did you all get here!? You guys like, doubled-”

“ _MercifulDeath donated 10 SP.” “First time viewer here! Sad to say that this show is a huge disappointment. It’s hyped up way too much for what it is.”_

Ileao frowns. “Okay, well-”

“ _Xxbfmfanxx donated 10 SP.” “What the hell, how are you popular? Your work looks like trash.”_

Ileao recoils slightly. “Damn, harsh tonight. In all fairness though, given the, uh, _genre_ of clothing that I work with, that might not be such an insult-”

“ _Zabfm donated 10 SP.” “Ew, what is your makeup? You look like you just got back from the face painter at a middle school assembly.”_

Ileao furrows eir eyebrows, absently reaching up to lightly brush eir fingers over one of the stars on eir cheeks. “That’s… a little different from the usual bullshit.” Ey snort. “Since when is my _makeup_ the first thing people take up issue with? Come on, I’m a walking dumpster fire. It’s pretty easy to hate me for a lot better reasons than my fuckin’ makeup.”

“ _Snakeeyes12 donated 10 SP.” “Like how you’re an attention whore with no redeeming qualities?”_

Ileao winces only barely, and the camera only _barely_ picks it up. “Yeah, exactly!” ey say, faking indifference. “Although I would’ve stopped with ‘attention whore.’ I mean, have you seen this?” Ey gesture behind emself at the skirt-wearing mannequin, smirking. “Raw talent. In skirt-form.”

“ _Ilehater donated 10 SP.” “ur fuckin pitiful lol. u def deserved all those pranks zab did on u, especially the break-up one”_

Ileao sucks in a breath, surprised. “Uh. Okay. Damn. Hey mods, can we start screening these things? This is getting excessive. And where’s that filter for the word ‘prank?’ I swear to god.”

“ _Dedicateddipshit donated 10 SP.” “If I were your boyfriend, I wouldn’t be nearly as lenient with you as Zabrell is. I sure as hell wouldn’t let you dress like THAT, you’d embarrass me constantly.”_

Ileao’s breath hitches, and ey weakly say, “Mods! Screen! The Donos! Holy shit!”

“ _Dedicateddipshit donated 10 SP.” “In fact, if you were my partner, I doubt I’d even let you leave the house. You’d just make a fool of yourself anyway. You’d be much better off staying home and getting ready for me so that when I got home you could-”_

Ileao lunges across the table to click something on the laptop, taking the dono notification off the screen. Ey’re breathing erratically, eyes wide as ey quickly tap on the keyboard.

“There,” ey say, voice shaking precariously. “I banned them myself. Lathandar. Donos are off. Mods, can I get a confirmation that we can screen these for the rest of the stream?”

After a few moments, ey finally get another thumbs-up from a mod in chat, and ey sigh in relief and click something else on the laptop. “Okay. Good. Donos back on.” Ey lean back against eir chair, slumping slightly. Eir eyes are still wide with what looks like fear, and ey’re trembling a little.

“ _Fashionfuneral donated 3 GP.”_ Ileao swallows nervously. _“Merci raided your stream!!! She told everyone to be an asshole to you, don’t take it to heart ileao <3”_

Ileao relaxes, just barely. “Oh. That… That explains it. Yeah.” Ey take in a shuddering breath, sitting up straighter in the chair. “Okay, uh… uh… Back to the… um…”

Ey squeeze eir eyes shut for a second. “You know, maybe we should finish this some other time. I’m, uh, feeling kind of tired, and I haven’t eaten in a while, so-”

“ _AlexanDIY donated 50 GP.”_ Ileao’s eyes go wide as soon as ey see the notification pop up onscreen, and ey lean forward in disbelief and confusion. The text-to-speech begins to read the donation message. _“Bollocks to them. You look beautiful today, and your sense for fashion is impressive, if a little strange. And you deserve to be treated with respect.”_

Ileao’s face turns a deep, purplish blue along with the tips of eir ears, and a huge grin breaks out on eir face before ey suddenly realize and quickly pull a piece of fabric over to hide eir face. “Um- I- Uh- Thank you, that’s… thanks, Alex, uh-” Eir smile can be heard clearly in eir voice. “Maybe we can go for another hour or so. At least finish the hem.”

The chat is going wild, flying by almost too fast to read, but Ileao glances over at it and catches several “CLIP IT”s and “OH MY GOD SAVE THE VOD QUICK” and “DID ANYONE GET SCREENSHOTS!?” and eir face flushes even more, if it was at all possible.

Ileao squeaks, eir voice high-pitched when ey finally get it to work. “I’m not-!” Ey drop the fabric, covering eir face desperately with eir hands. “I wasn’t- I was just-”

Ey let out a loud, frustrated noise, and eir face is still thoroughly flushed when ey stubbornly lower eir hands and turn back to the skirt. “Okay, we’re finishing this damn thing! I swear to god it’s fucking cursed and if I keep it on the mannequin any longer, the fucker’s gonna come to life, so there’s no time to waste.”

Ey glance at the camera out of the corner of eir eye, eventually sighing and slumping eir shoulders slightly. “…Really, though. Alex. …Thank you.” And then ey turn back to the skirt like nothing ever happened at all, humming a little more forcefully to emself as ey retrieve eir fabric pen to continue eir work.

The stream continues as planned. The skirt looks ridiculous when it’s finished. And Ileao, despite eir brand, smiles until the moment the stream ends.


	8. Fantasy Facetime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex checks up on Ileao after the stream.

Ileao's phone suddenly vibrates with a Fantasy Facetime call, and eir eyes widen as ey hold the phone at arm's length, breathing a little too quickly. Shit. Fuck! This is actually happening!

Out of sheer panic, ey let it ring out, and then eir breath hitches as ey realize. Ey quickly go to type out an explanation.

“ _wait, oh god, i look like trash”_

Maybe this isn’t a good idea after all. Ey’ve wiped off most of eir makeup, since it was starting to smudge anyway after that monster of a stream. Ey do _not_ look presentable. If Zabrell were home, xe would scold em for even considering letting another youtuber see em like this.

…If Zabrell were home, ey wouldn’t be calling anyone in the first place.

Alex doesn’t reply to the text, instead just calling em again. Ey hum nervously to emself and then, before ey can talk emself out of it, ey force emself to press the ‘accept’ button.

Alex’s face appears on eir screen, and Ileao’s eyes widen. Holy _shit,_ he’s pretty. His hair is curling up at the ends, resting around his shoulders, and he’s got… is that oil? Grease? _Something_ smeared on one of his cheeks. He must’ve just finished with one of his projects or something. Ileao meets his eyes and instantly regrets it, because ey think his eyes might be the loveliest thing ey’ve ever seen.

“I don’t think you look like trash,” he says, sounding slightly amused, and Ileao flushes and absently runs eir hand through eir hair.

“Oh, uh-” Ileao fights the urge to cover eir face. Ey’re a mess. “Thanks, but you don’t have to do that,” ey laugh. “I know what’s up. If you want, I can go, uh, at least put on eyeliner, or-”

Alex tilts his head. “What? Why would I ask that of you?”

“Because-” Ileao stops, thinking. Why _would_ he ask that? It’s just them. There’s no one else around, so Ileao can’t embarrass him. And they’re _friends._ Sort of. They like talking to each other. And Ileao’s not _hideous,_ ey know _that,_ so-

“Because Zabrell always makes me,” ey say quietly, and there’s this niggling thought in the back of eir mind like- like a breakthrough, or-

Alex frowns. “That’s absurd! You’re hir partner, xe should be supportive of you. Xe shouldn’t be making you feel self-conscious about your appearance.”

“Xe’s not…” Ileao trails off. Xe is, isn’t xe? Ileao can’t hold a conversation with hir without hir slipping in an unwanted comment about eir appearance that day. And, more often than not, the comments result in Ileao feeling shitty about emself. And that’s it.

Ey shrug, looking down.

Alex must realize how ey’ve just sent emself headfirst into a crisis, because he gently moves the topic onward. “How are you today, Ileao?” he asks, leaning his chin on his hand, and Ileao suddenly wishes he were here.

“Good enough,” ey answer, lounging back against the couch as ey manage to relax a little. “Stream was a little weird, but… win some, lose some, I guess.”

“Seems to me like you won this one,” Alex says teasingly. “Judging by the fact that your mannequin _didn_ _’t_ come to life.”

That startles a laugh out of em, and ey grin wide as ey watch Alex’s face melt into a smile. “Dumbass. Yeah, I guess that was a win.”

The two of them settle into an easy rhythm, talking about videos and streams and then falling deeper into conversations about their personal lives, or things they both enjoy. The more they talk, the less Ileao fears the repercussions of this chat. The more Ileao thinks that no matter what, it’s worth it.

“I really like talking to you,” ey blurt out suddenly, several hours later. The time flies by and ey don’t even realize how long they’ve been talking until ey get a low-battery notification on eir phone. Ey keep talking anyway. “Uh- Shit. I didn’t mean to say that.”

“I like talking to you, too,” Alex says. Ileao thinks ey might melt. “And… you don’t have to be afraid to say that, you know. I would never make fun of you for saying what you feel.”

Ileao flushes. “In that case, I- I… wish you were here.”

Alex stiffens slightly, and Ileao is worried until ey notice the light dusting of pink across his cheeks. “It’s… interesting that you should say that, actually, because I believe I am close to hitting that sub goal.”

Ileao perks up, smiling wide. “Oh my god! Yes, holy shit, I’m so excited!”

Alex smiles fondly. “I am, too. Although I’ll admit I am a little concerned about the ‘prank’ I’m supposed to do.”

Ileao snorts. “Did Zabrell send you instructions for something specific?”

“No, I was told to come up with something myself. Honestly, I get the feeling xe doesn’t like me all that much. It makes me wonder why xe reached out to begin with.”

“Jealousy,” Ileao answer casually. Alex looks confused but doesn’t mention it, so Ileao continues. “Maybe you could ask your Fantasy Patreon group. Don’t you do private streams with your top tier?”

“Yes, I do,” Alex says, tilting his head thoughtfully. “It’s something to consider.” He seems to hesitate, before smiling nervously and making eye contact as best as he can through a FFacetime call. “By the way, I was wondering… Would you care to join me in one of those private streams? Some of my fans are fans of your work too, and I know they love to see us interacting.” He pauses. “But if that’s too much public interaction for you, I understand.”

Ileao bites eir lip. Ey’ll take any chance to talk to Alex, honestly, but… Every fan who sees them together is a fan who might tell Zabrell. And it doesn’t _matter_ that they’re just friends, that there’s no chance of them being anything _but_ friends. Zabrell will still be angry. The only friend xe’s really comfortable with em talking to is Merci.

But, _god_ _…_

“It’s only a few people,” Ileao says softly. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Alex laughs. “Don’t say that, you’ll get us both cursed,” he says. “But I’m glad to hear it. And…” He trails off, shaking his head.

“What?”

“I was just thinking…” He shrugs. “I don’t think I live all that far from you. I recognized that out-of-town restaurant you and Zabrell went to, in the… prank video. It’s in my town.”

Ileao’s eyes widen and ey gasp. “You mean I could _visit_ you!?” ey ask gleefully.

Alex smiles. “If you wanted, yes. My door will always be open to you.”

Ileao feels giddy, bouncing subtly on the couch. “Holy shit, holy fuck! I’m- I’m definitely doing that. When I can.”

Alex shakes his head fondly. “I look forward to it, Ileao.”

Ileao’s face feels warm as ey look down, smiling. “Yeah… Yeah. Uh, I’d better go, but… it was really nice talking to you.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” he replies. “I will see you soon, I hope.”

Ileao nods, ducking eir head shyly before the call beeps and turns to the ‘disconnect’ screen. Eir chest feels fluttery and wild, like if ey sit still for too long ey’ll just _burst_ with excitement. Ey haven’t felt like this in… ever. Ey don’t know what it means.

With Alex, ey’re willing to find out.

* * *

**Transcript:**

The images show a text conversation. The contact name is "alex." The time is 12:45 PM. The battery is at 75%.

alex: Are you okay?

ileao: ??? of course i am

alex: Are you sure? That stream was pretty rough for a while there.

ileao: oh, haha, that

ileao: dw about it

alex: I'm worrying about it.

ileao: ofc you are

alex: Do you want to call and talk about it?

ileao: wait

ileao: really?

alex: Yes! I like talking to you, you're interesting. And you seem like you could use the company.

alex: Or we could FFacetime if you don't want it to show up in your call logs.

ileao: shit

ileao: fuck, yes

ileao: i mean... please


	9. Patreon Stream Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex consults his top-tier Fantasy Patreon subscribers about the upcoming prank.

Alexander joins the Patreon-only Discord voice channel, and is instantly greeted with various fans saying ‘Hello.’

“Good afternoon,” he replies, turning on his webcam and sharing his videofeed. He’s got a project laid out on the table in front of him so he can work while he talks with his top-tier fans, and he immediately gets to work on it. “How are you all doing today?”

“Great! I always look forward to the VIP streams,” says one fan, a young lady with the Discord nickname “Felix (she/her)” on Alex’s server.

The icon of another fan, this one nicknamed “Danicka (they/them),” lights up in the call. “Same! This is like, the highlight of my week.”

There’s a lot of idle chatter and people talking over each other, but one more fan manages to be heard over the noise, one with the nickname “Linbo (chaos lord).” “I literally have a countdown on my phone so I’m never late!”

Alex chuckles. “That’s very flattering. I’m happy I can make your day.”

Most of the fans in the call seem content just to watch the stream for now, so the same three fans lead the conversation. “As always,” Felix says. “Are you okay, though?”

Alex furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, you seem… different!”

Alex sighs. “Some of you are too perceptive for your own good,” he says, smiling. “You caught me. I have… a surprise for this evening, and I’m rather excited for it.”

“Ooh!” Danicka nearly shouts. Their mic clips horribly. “What is it!?”

Alex laughs. “Slow down, now. How many of you are also fans of Ileao, from the Zabrileao channel?”

“Oh my GOD,” Linbo yells. “Ileao could step on me and I would thank em.”

Alex feels his cheeks heating up, but he presses his emotions down and continues, forcing a chuckle. “I see. Anyone else?”

Many previously quiet people speak up. Some say they’re big fans, others say they know of em but don’t really watch eir content. Danicka seems to be a huge fan of specifically content where Alex and Ileao interact, and Alex grins in anticipation of what he has to offer.

“That’s good to hear,” he says. “Because the surprise is that today, we have a special guest.”

Several people gasp. “No!” Linbo says, disbelieving.

“Tell us you’re joking!” Danicka pleads.

“I am not,” Alex laughs. “I’m DM-ing em to join the call now.”

Linbo devolves into what sounds like tears as Danicka whisper-shouts to themself to ‘pull it together.’ Felix laughs good-naturedly, patiently waiting, and Alex gets back to his project while he waits for Ileao to respond to the DM.

It carries on like a (semi-)normal stream for about a minute and a half, before the call-joining sound plays and everyone hears Ileao’s voice saying, “What’s up, fuckers?”

“Ileao!” Alex chastises, and he smiles slightly when he hears em quietly cackling. He sighs. “Welcome to the VIP stream. Would you like to introduce yourself?”

“Do I need to?” ey ask, eir tone as cocky as humanly possible. Linbo is now actively crying in the background, and Danicka is babbling excitedly. “Fine. I’m Ileao. You might know me from the prank channel Zabrileao, or more specifically from the series ‘Fashion Fucked.’ And, uh… It’s not a huge deal, but it’d make things easier on me if you all didn’t tweet about this or anything. Just keep it between you and us, right?”

“I would do anything for you,” Linbo sobs, and Ileao laughs.

“I’ll remember that,” ey say jokingly. “If I ever have a body to hide, you’re on the emergency call list.”

“Oh my god,” Linbo whispers, and there’s the sound of something falling over.

“Are you okay?” Alex asks, eyebrows furrowed in concern as he looks up from his project.

“Lin’s just excited,” Felix assures him. “Lin’s DMing me keysmashes.”

Alex and Ileao both laugh, and the stream carries on as usual. It’s much more lively, filled with Alex and Ileao’s easy banter, and none of the fans seem to mind. Linbo eventually recovers and rejoins the conversation (with varying amounts of coherency), and Danicka eventually regains their voice and pipes up as well. It’s nice.

About half an hour later, someone brings up the topic of Alex’s current sub goal, and how he’s only about thirty subs away from hitting it. “Oh, right,” he says, thinking to himself as he sets down his pencil. “I still don’t know what kind of prank I should do on them.”

“Annnd that’s my cue to leave!” Ileao says. Danicka and Linbo cry out in protest, but Ileao just snorts and insists. “Yeah, no, sorry. I don’t think I should be here if you’re gonna be talking about a prank that might be aimed at _me._ _”_ Ey pause. “And anyway, I think Zabrell wanted to go out today. I don’t wanna keep hir waiting too long.”

Alex feels something dark and strange clawing at his chest, but he steadily ignores it. It’s nothing he can help. “Goodbye, Ileao. It was nice having you.”

“Yeah, it was!” Danicka calls. “You should do this more often!”

“Honestly, it’s nice seeing Alex so happy,” Felix says bluntly, and Alex flushes, trying to subtly cover his face with a part of his project. “It’s obvious he really cares about you.”

Alex’s eyes widen just barely in muted alarm. How will Ileao react? What if ey see that fact for what it is and realize that he cares about em _too much?_ He knows ey don’t feel the same; ey’re dating someone, after all. What if ey see this as a threat? What if ey get scared that _Zabrell_ will see it as a threat?

“Oh,” Ileao says quietly. “I… Yeah. Maybe I _will_ do this more often. As long as the offer’s still up.”

“Of course it is,” Alex says quickly. “You’re always welcome here.”

“Thanks, Alex,” ey say softly. There’s a very faint yelling from eir end of the call, and ey mute for a few seconds. When ey come back, ey say, “Alright, yeah, I gotta go! Nice hanging with you guys, bye!” And ey disconnect.

“This is the best day of my life,” Linbo says quietly.

“Seems like it’s the best day of Alex’s life, too,” Felix says. “Seriously! I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this. And I’ve watched _all_ your videos. Twice. At least.”

“Ileao is… one of a kind,” Alex settles on, nodding firmly. “I am glad to have met em.”

“So, this prank,” Felix says. “Is it supposed to be on Ileao, or Zabrell, or both of them?”

“Up to me,” Alex says. “Or us, I suppose. Any ideas?”

“Yes!” Danicka says suddenly, launching themself into the conversation. “I have the _best_ idea!”

“Let’s hear it, then.”

“Alright!” They change their voice to sound dramatic and end their sentence like a question. “’Pranked my friend by seducing hir partner!?’”

Alex laughs. “That seems extreme.”

“No, it’s perfect! Zabrell gets jealous really easily, right? And Ileao won’t see it coming at all! And then when it gets to be too much, you can tell them it was a prank! It’ll be awesome!”

“Of course,” Felix cuts in, “you’ll have to be awfully close to Ileao for the whole visit. And you’ll have to hold eir hand or something, probably. And-”

“How is this a discouragement!?” Danicka asks in disbelief.

“It’s not,” Alex says quietly, without thinking. His breath hitches afterward, and he promptly shuts his mouth.

The smirk is prominent in Felix’s voice. “Exactly.”

Alex tries to think through all the possible scenarios. Will this hurt Ileao in any way? No, surely Zabrell wouldn’t get angry at em for Alex’s closeness once Alex revealed it to be a prank, right? Xe _loves_ pranks. Hir whole channel is built around them.

And Alex will get to sit close to Ileao, and hold eir hand, and tell em how he feels, all without endangering the actual relationship. And he’ll get to treat Ileao like ey _deserve_ to be treated. It’s _perfect._

“Okay,” Alex says finally. “Bollocks, I’m doing it. This is ridiculous.”

“It’s brilliant!” Danicka assures him. “I can’t _wait_ to see the video! And you’d _better_ tell us all the juicy details in one of your streams!”

“Once we hit the sub goal,” Alex reminds them, and he is suddenly much more excited for that to happen.


	10. THE Prank: Pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's go-time on Operation: Prank Ileao Into Falling In Love With Me. ...It's Just A Prank Tho

Today’s the day. A month and a half ago, AlexanDIY hit his most recent sub goal on FTwitch, and now the time has come for him to follow through on what he promised: a prank collaboration with Zabrileao.

Alex is, admittedly, a lot more nervous than he thought he would be. But he still manages to take a deep breath and slow his racing thoughts, silently reminding himself of what he came here to do. He needs to vlog around town with Zabrell and Ileao. He needs to carry out the ‘seduction’ prank. And…

He needs to make the most of the time he has with Ileao, because he doubts he’ll be able to get this close to em again for a while.

(And because maybe this visit will be enough to quell the pure and unfiltered _want_ that’s rising up in Alex’s chest, clawing up his throat and taking over his brain with images of himself holding Ileao’s hand, cuddling next to em, _kissing_ em on eir ridiculously painted lips-)

(Probably not. But _maybe.)_

Alex counts to ten as he calmly walks through the apartment building, stopping in front of Ileao and Zabrell’s door. He texted Ileao earlier that he’d be arriving sometime today, but he didn’t clarify when. He wants it to be a bit of a surprise. And he doesn’t want to risk getting Ileao in trouble by texting em when Zabrell’s probably already on high alert.

He did text _Zabrell_ though, as he arrived at the building. And now he takes a deep breath and knocks firmly on the door, clutching his bag tightly in one hand.

He hears yelling from inside, Ileao shouting “Was that the door?” and Zabrell shouting back, “I’ve got it!”

And then the door swings open, and Alex is face to face with Zabrell.

Well… Face to chest. Alex knew there was a pretty extreme height difference between Ileao and Zabrell, and he knows he’s only a little taller than Ileao, but… _wow._ Zabrell’s a lot taller in real life then xe appears in hir videos. Luckily, Alex is not the type to be intimidated by height; he knows what he’s capable of, and it’s nothing to scoff at.

Zabrell, however, smirks as soon as xe registers exactly how much taller xe is than him, seeming to take great pleasure in it. “Well, well, well!” Zabrell says, leaning against the door frame. “If it isn’t the DIY master himself!”

Alex chuckles. “Not quite, but I do appreciate the compliment.”

Zabrell waves him off, pushing hirself away from the door frame and heading into the apartment, gesturing for him to follow hir. “Whatever you say, Alex. Can I call you Alex?”

“Of course,” he replies, glancing around. “Everyone does.”

Their apartment is _surprisingly_ nice—or perhaps _not_ so surprisingly, given the popularity of their channel. Alex doesn’t really watch any of their regular, non-Ileao-centric videos, so he’s not at all familiar with the layout of the place. Maybe he should’ve done a little research before getting here, to give himself a bit of a leg-up with the whole prank thing. He’s not sure how that information would come in handy with this goal in particular, but he knows how important even the smallest of advantages can be.

Zabrell gestures toward the couch in the living room, which is set up in a sort of open floor plan with the kitchen. “You can set your stuff down wherever,” xe says. “I don’t think Ileao’s done cleaning out the spare room yet.” Xe rolls hir eyes. “Ey’re easily distracted.”

“Fair enough,” Alex replies, holding back the urge to vehemently defend em. That’s not necessary right now. Unfortunately.

Zabrell doesn’t respond to that, instead cupping a hand around hir mouth and yelling, “Babe! Come here for a sec!”

There’s a faint clattering sound, and then Ileao shouts back, “Hold on, I’m busy!”

Zabrell rolls hir eyes, shooting Alex a knowing smile. What in the world is _that_ supposed to mean? Alex isn’t sure he’ll be able to survive the entire weekend like this. “It’s time-sensitive, Eel!” Zabrell shouts, leaning back against the wall.

“Fine, coming!” There’s a _thump_ sound followed by quick footsteps, and Alex tries to ignore the way his heart is beating steadily faster. “Alright, good fucking Lathandar, I’m here-”

Ileao freezes as soon as eir eyes fall on Alex. Eir eyes widen, and for a few seconds, ey just blink at him, uncomprehending. And then eir face breaks out into a huge smile, and ey bolt across the room to him, only barely skidding to a halt a foot or so away. Alex wonders, longingly, if ey had wanted to hug him. If ey _would_ have hugged him, if only Zabrell hadn’t been here.

“Alex,” ey say breathlessly. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Alex replies, suddenly just as breathless. Oh, god, ey’re beautiful. Ey’re wearing a cropped jacket over a striped tank top, and a tiny skirt over some absurdly-patterned tights. Eir eyeliner, a dark blue, is even more dramatic than usual, and ey seem to be wearing purple eyeshadow alongside eir typical light blush and strangely-colored lipstick. Eir quiff is messier than it tends to be, little strands of hair falling down over eir eyes, and Alex wants nothing more than to reach out and-

Zabrell coughs suddenly, and Alex snaps his head around to catch Zabrell giving him an equally confused and threatening look. Alex smiles weakly and takes a step back.

Ileao’s smile dims, just barely, and it triggers something inside of Alex that is absolutely _feral._ He wants to protect that smile. He _will_ protect that smile.

And anyway, what’s the harm of starting the prank early?

“So,” he says, sitting on the couch and gesturing for Ileao sit beside him. Ey light up all over again, darting over to get comfortable, and Zabrell grits hir teeth. “Is there a plan for today?”

Zabrell, grudgingly, sits in the recliner. “Sure. I was thinking we could go to the park and stream a quick Q&A with some fans; I tweeted a few minutes ago that we’d be doing that sometime today and that I’d keep them updated. After that, we can drop by the mall and find a restaurant for dinner, and then we’ll come back here and go from there.”

“That works for me,” Alex says. And then, because he has a feeling he’s going to be pushing his luck very soon, he adds, “Thank you for letting me stay with you, Zabrell.”

Zabrell sighs, waving him off. “Yeah, well. There’s no use in wasting gas driving back and forth. And anyway, the fans will eat it up.”

Alex nods, unsure what to say to that. “Ah. Well, would you like to head to the park now?”

“I’m ready when you are,” Zabrell says, shrugging.

Ileao nods excitedly. “Yeah, I’m ready to go whenever!”

Zabrell raises an eyebrow at em. _“Really?”_ xe asks, hir voice dripping with judgment, and Alex is thoroughly taken aback by the ease with which xe insults hir long-time partner.

Ileao’s face falls. “I-” Ey glance up at Alex for less than a second before dropping eir eyes to the floor. “…Maybe not. Probably not, yeah, I should go… fix this,” ey say quietly, dejectedly, gesturing at emself. “I’ll be right back.”

As Ileao would say… Fuck it. “Oh, why?” Alex asks, feigning ignorance. “What are you going to change? You look stunning.”

Ileao’s eyes widen as eir cheeks blush a deep blue, and a tiny smile grows on eir face as ey duck eir head. “Oh. Oh, uh… I…”

“How kind of you,” Zabrell says, just on the edge of a sneer. Alex was right about pushing his luck.

“Of course,” Alex replies smoothly. “You really lucked out with Ileao.”

Ileao blushes even harder, but Zabrell looks like xe’s really struggling not to get mean. “You think so?” xe asks. “I think so too sometimes, but it’s days like these that make me wonder which one of us is actually lucky and whether one of us had to _settle._ _”_

Ileao’s breath hitches and ey suddenly look absolutely _crushed._ It breaks Alex’s heart to see, so he reaches out to quickly squeeze eir shoulder. “I can’t imagine ever thinking things like that. I’m certain any such thoughts would fall away as soon as I caught eir eyes.”

Ileao looks like ey’re experiencing emotional whiplash, which is understandable (and very upsetting). So Alex quickly speaks again, before Zabrell can fire up a retort. “We should probably get going,” he says, standing and pulling Ileao with him. “Where’s this park located?”

“I’ll drive us,” Zabrell grumbles, standing up and heading straight for the door.

Alex digs his wallet and his phone out of his bag and slips them into his pockets, and is surprised to see that Ileao is still waiting for him afterward. It’s a pleasant surprise though, one that makes Alex’s heart sing with hope. Ileao gives him the most precious little smile before gesturing for him to follow em, and Alex feels like kissing em every time ey look up at him through batted eyelashes.

Oh, god. Alex is too gay for this.

Somehow, he survives the walk to the parking lot, even despite the persistent silence that forces Alex to think about nothing but Ileao, Ileao, Ileao. Not to mention, their fingers keep brushing together as they walk, and Alex can’t find the strength to move further away.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Ileao says quietly as they get closer to what must be Zabrell’s car. Ey’re not looking at him, but he can still see the faint blush across eir cheeks and on the tips of eir ears.

“So am I,” Alex says honestly. “As it turns out, you are even more beautiful in person.”

“Alex!” Ileao scolds him, sounding scandalized. But ey’re still blushing, and now ey’re smiling too, shy but pleased as ey break off to open one of the back doors of the car and sit behind the driver’s seat.

Alex glances in confusion at the passenger seat. “You’re not sitting up front?”

“No,” Ileao says, like it should be obvious. “You’re the guest. Plus, this way you can talk to Zabrell better.”

Alex tries his best to convey the words “and why would I want to do that?” with only a facial expression, and if Ileao’s quiet giggle is anything to go by, he succeeds. He moves around to the other side of the car… and then opens the back door and hops in, sitting in the middle, unnecessarily close to Ileao.

“Um?” Zabrell says loudly. “Don’t you want to ride shotgun?”

“Oh, I didn’t want Ileao to feel excluded,” Alex says.

“Well, there’s no way ey’re feeling excluded with _this_ arrangement,” xe mutters, a clear jab at Alex’s closeness, but Alex just smiles.

“I should hope not,” he says, and he only smiles wider when Ileao sighs happily, leaning eir head against the window.

Zabrell turns the radio up loud so they can’t talk, but Alex doesn’t mind. Just being close to em is enough.

* * *

**Transcript:**

The image is a tweet by @AlexanDIY. It reads, "Fine, fine... you've forced my hand. We hit the sub goal, so I'll be doing that collab with @zabrileao very soon. Stay tuned." It was posted at 8 AM on September 20, 644, on Twitter for iStone. It has 45K retweets and 107K likes.


	11. THE Prank: Pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prank, Part II: The Q&A.

When they pull into a parking space by the park, Alex regretfully scoots away from Ileao so they can unbuckle their seatbelts. He pulls out his phone, too, getting his camera app set up for when it’s needed.

“I tweeted out that we’ll be starting soon,” Zabrell tells them as xe climbs out of the car. “They’re sending in questions. All we have to do is find a place to set up.”

“I’ll carry the camera if someone promises to buy me jolly ranchers at the mall,” Ileao pipes up, moving towards the trunk.

Zabrell says, “You’re spoiled.”

Alex, at the same time, says, “Sure.”

The two exchange a glance, and then Alex replies, “Not yet, ey aren’t.” He smiles. “Give it time.”

Ileao, fist-pumping victoriously and throwing open the trunk, is completely oblivious to the dirty looks being thrown Alex’s way. Alex pretends to be oblivious, too, tapping around on his phone. He goes to FTwitter and retweets Zabrell’s Q&A tweet, and then, with perfect timing, Ileao calls, “Okay, let’s go!”

Zabrell places hirself strategically between Alex and Ileao as they walk down a random path. “How about that awning over there?” Alex suggests after a few minutes, pointing at a covered area filled with empty picnic tables.

Ileao gasps. “Oh my god, yes! I filmed an episode of Fashion Fucked over there once. It went horribly.”

Alex laughs, but Zabrell speaks up, sounding annoyed. “Could you shut up about your ridiculous show? Alex doesn’t want to hear about that.”

Ileao clamps eir mouth shut, looking down at eir feet, and Alex furrows his eyebrows. “What are you on about? I’ve watched every episode. I would love to talk about it, especially if it’s a topic Ileao enjoys.”

Zabrell just looks confused, pinching the bridge of hir nose with hir fingers. Ileao, meanwhile, is looking up at Alex in pure wonder. “You… Every episode?” ey ask quietly.

“Every episode,” Alex confirms, nodding and smiling fondly. “You’re DIY-ing your own clothing. That’s admirable.”

“Oh,” Ileao says, still seeming amazed. “I… I guess so, yeah. Um, thanks.”

“Not to mention, you’re quite easy on the eyes,” Alex adds. He has to pull off this seduction thing in two days, after all. He ought to get a move on. “I had to watch some of the episodes twice, since I spent the first time just staring at _you_ instead of your work.”

Ileao’s simply _glowing_ with pride and glee, but Zabrell’s expression is dark as xe reaches out and harshly pulls Ileao to hir side, leaving hir arm around eir shoulders and squeezing tightly. “Cute,” xe spits. “Just remember that _Ileao_ is only staring at _me._ _”_

That’s… true. It stings (a _lot)_ to think about, but… at the end of the day, Ileao _is_ dating Zabrell. This thing Alex is doing is nothing but a prank, and when he goes home after the weekend, he’ll be back to pretending he doesn’t feel the way he does about Ileao.

“Zabby, that hurts,” Ileao whispers, and Alex’s regular doubts are suddenly outshined by concern. Forget about Alex repressing his feelings; what will happen to _Ileao?_ Zabrell’s acting jealous now, but that’ll surely stop once Alex tells hir it was a prank, right? Ileao won’t suffer for it?

No, of course not. That’s ridiculous. Zabrell may be a despicable human who doesn’t treat Ileao nearly as well as ey deserve, but xe wouldn’t _hurt_ em. Of _course_ not. Alex can’t imagine _anyone_ ever being able to look at Ileao, so fun and naive and strangely trusting and easily-attached, and choose to intentionally hurt em. He can’t _imagine._

“Right,” Alex confirms. “Yes. Shall we set up the camera?”

Zabrell relaxes slightly, not removing hir arm from Ileao’s shoulder until ey complain that ey can’t get to the camera bag until xe moves. Ey set up a fancy phone with a good camera as well as a normal video camera on one of the picnic tables and sit across from it, and while it’s not a _surprise_ that Zabrell sits in the middle, it’s still unfortunate.

“Annnd we’re live!” Zabrell says, grinning at the camera and putting hir arm back around Ileao’s shoulder. Alex notices em wincing out of the corner of his eyes, and he bites his lip in concern before forcing a neutral, stream-worthy expression onto his face. “Welcome to the Q&A stream with your hosts, Zabrell—that’s me—and Ileao—that’s em—and Alex! That’s him. You can find us on the Zabrileao channel, or on your twitch where you’re probably watching this, and you can find Alex at AlexanDIY on both platforms. Now, we’re just gonna jump right into it with some questions you guys sent to us on Twitter! I’ll be reading Alex’s question’s, he’ll be reading Ileao’s, and Ileao will be reading mine. Alright, fuck it, let’s go!”

Alex and Ileao give brief greetings to the chat, and then Zabrell pulls up hir phone and swipes to the first question, turning slightly to face Alex. “Alex, this question is from @AlexanDidGreat on Twitter, and they ask, ‘Out of all the projects you’ve worked on for your channel, which one is your favorite?’”

Alex relaxes slightly when faced with a question he knows how to answer, right off the bat. He kind of wishes Zabrell had taken a moment to brief him and Ileao on the questions xe’d chosen, but he supposes xe must know what xe’s doing. Zabrell and Ileao do far more of this type of thing than Alex does, after all.

“I believe that would be…” Alex thinks, stroking his goatee. “The blowtorch wand, perhaps. That was a fun one. I still carry that around!”

“Really?” Ileao asks, laughing. “You’re gonna catch something on fire one day.” A shit-eating grin slowly grows on eir face, and Alex braces himself, trying to hide his smile. “Well. I guess you already have.”

Alex, as much as he’s distracted by Ileao’s smile, sees the perfect opportunity. “I was at risk of catching fire the moment I laid eyes on you, Ileao.”

Eir eyes widen, eir cheeks blushing dark blue. “W-What?”

“Because ey’re so hot?” Zabrell asks, swooping in to take over, and Alex finds himself irrationally irritated as Zabrell leans over, peppering Ileao’s face with kisses. Ileao giggles, gently pushing hir away only to lean up against hir, and Alex forces himself to look away, at the phone. The chat is going wild. Alex ignores it.

Once Zabrell finishes showering Ileao in, admittedly, well-deserved affection, xe smiles at the camera and hands hir phone over to Alex. “Okay, Ileao’s turn! The question is already pulled up, Alex.”

Alex nods and looks down at the phone, immediately reading the question. “From @zabrileao4lyfe on Twitter, Ileao: ‘What’s your favorite part of living with Zabrell?”

The words sour in Alex’s mouth as soon as he says them, but he forces a smile as he looks over at Ileao for eir answer. Ey think to emself for a moment, still leaning against Zabrell. “Uh… I dunno, xe’s a real piece of work sometimes,” ey say jokingly, and Zabrell barks out a laugh, squeezing eir shoulders. Ey grin. “Probably… Probably the _best_ part of living with hir is walking in on hir in the office when xe’s having a really good day, and xe lets me sit on hir lap and we watch Youtube videos together. It’s… really nice.”

Chat goes wild yet again, but Alex wonders whether any of them caught the emphasis Ileao put on the words, “on a _good_ day.’ Still smiling stiffly, he passes the phone to Zabrell, who swipes a few times and passes it to Ileao.

“Okay…” Ileao sticks eir tongue out the side of eir mouth as ey read, and Alex has to physically hold himself back from looking like the lovesick fool that he is. “Zabby, what’s the nicest thing you’ve ever done for me?”

Zabrell smiles, sickeningly sweet. “Aw, it’s almost hard to say, don’t you think?” xe asks, and Ileao nods with big doe eyes and a happy smile. “I’m not sure. Just last week, I guess, I spoiled em while ey were feeling sick.”

Ileao nods quickly, bouncing on the seat. “Oh, yeah! I guess I’d gone too long without eating, and Zabrell let me have some chicken noodle soup! Then we sat on the bed and cuddled and watched TV and talked about stuff, and I felt better in no time.”

Alex feels something inside himself go cold at the mention of Zabrell ‘letting’ Ileao eat. He’s probably just reading into it too much, taking it the wrong way when that’s not what Ileao actually meant. But still, just the implication makes Alex want to slap Zabrell silly and then take Ileao out to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

But the chat is just saying “So cute!!!” and spamming heart eyes emojis, so… Yeah. Alex must have misunderstood. That’s all.

“Alex’s turn!” Ileao says, and Zabrell takes the phone.

“Great! Those were good questions, guys. Now, Alex, this is from @sewermonster69: ‘What do you enjoy more, streaming or making edited videos?”

“Streaming, certainly,” Alex replies. “It gives me a lot more freedom, and I think my audience secretly loves to watch me mess up. I always include the extreme mistakes in videos, of course, but the little ones can be just as funny.”

Zabrell laughs, and it sounds like the audio version of the forced professionalism that xe uses in hir Twitter DMs. Xe nods, handing the phone over to Alex. “Fair enough! They love that extra content.”

Alex reads the tweet beforehand this time, frowning slightly as it sinks in. Still, he forces himself to make the words come out of his mouth. “…Ileao, @bfmxoxo asks, do you ever feel bad about doing so little for the channel when Zabrell is basically carrying it hirself?”

Ileao’s expression doesn’t change all that much, but eir eyes suddenly look significantly less alive, and, oh, god, _Alex_ did that. “I…”

“Aside from the fact that you bring in so many viewers even _without_ making as many videos,” Alex quickly adds on. “I presume this user is asking if you feel bad about producing fewer videos and yet still being just as much of a draw to the channel as Zabrell.”

Ileao lightens up just barely. Ey still look like ey’re hurt and trying to hide it, but there’s a bit of hope in eir expression, and it’s enough for now. “Oh. I… Yeah, I- I do. Feel bad, I mean. A lot. I really love a lot of our audience, I enjoy getting to share my interests with them… And I’m sorry I don’t put out more content.”

“As I said before the stream, I tend to watch each video twice anyhow,” Alex says. “Maybe that makes up for it.”

Ileao snorts, shaking eir head but blushing furiously, and Zabrell pulls the phone away from Alex to smile stiffly and hand it to Ileao. “My turn, babe.”

“Oh, sure,” Ileao says, looking down at the phone. “Uh…” Eir nose wrinkles. “How much… How much did you give up to start dating me?”

“My freedom, of course,” Zabrell laughs, hir arm still around Ileao’s shoulders. Alex grits his teeth. “You’re _so_ clingy, Eel, you know that. And then there was… Well, honestly, I’m pretty limited,” xe ‘admits.’ Ileao has shrunk back slightly, but xe only pulls em closer. “But you’re usually worth the sacrifice, babe. You know I’d do anything for you.”

Ileao nods, and eir voice is small when ey quietly say, “Love you, Zabs.”

“Anytime, precious,” xe replies, kissing the top of eir head. This… This is torture. This is actually torture.

Zabrell asks Alex another mundane, stream-related question, and this time when xe hands him the phone to ask Ileao’s question, he takes a fair few seconds to criticize it.

‘ _Ileao, how much time does it usually take to make yourself look presentable in the morning?’_

Alex feels a not-so-subtle fury burning in his chest. Stubbornly, he backs out of the page of tweets Zabrell has highlighted, and picks out a tweet of his own.

“Ileao,” Alex says, much more confidently, “@IleaOnIt asks, ‘How long was the video for your optical illusion dress, before you edited it down? That’s my favorite video of yours, and I’ve always been curious.’ Thank you, @IleaOnIt!”

Ileao looks _thrilled,_ so pleased to talk about something ey’re passionate about, and Alex instantly relaxes at the sight of eir pure, unfiltered joy.

And then Zabrell says, “Uh, that’s not the question I had picked out.”

Ileao snaps eir mouth shut, looking uncertainly between Zabrell and Alex, and Alex smiles warmly at Zabrell. “I liked this one better,” he says. “Let em speak, it’s interesting! I’d like to know.”

“Of course,” Zabrell says through gritted teeth. “Sure thing. Go ahead, Eel.”

Ileao launches into a short tirade about how ey basically had to get an entire college degree on light reflection for that project, and Alex finds himself enamored with the shape of eir lips and the inflection of eir voice as ey talk.

They go through several more questions, with Alex always finding a new question for Ileao and often even finding a new question for Zabrell, passing the phone to Ileao without letting Zabrell manipulate it. The stream goes great overall; the chat is very happy, and they always lose their shit when Alex throws in a careful flirt, or reaches over to tap Ileao’s shoulder and lets his hand linger a longer than it needs to. By the end of the whole thing, Ileao looks happier than he’s ever seen em, and Zabrell looks like xe’s close to losing hir temper, if not for the camera.

As Zabrell stands up to say goodbye and end the stream, Alex quickly makes his way over to Ileao, standing close to em just in case Zabrell happens to get angry after the camera is off. He also turns his own phone camera on, to get any prank footage and also put some pressure on Zabrell to behave.

Zabrell whirls around on hir heels, looking ready to give a lecture or something, and hir eyebrows furrow even more when xe sees Alex’s proximity to Ileao. But then xe notices the recording phone in his hands, and xe promptly shuts hir mouth, smiling widely at the camera. “That went great!” xe says, despite very much not looking like xe means it.

“It really did! Honesty, _I_ learned a lot,” Alex says. He brushes his hand up against Ileao’s, teasing as if to grasp eir hand, and then pulls away at the last second. Ey look up at him in confusion and… and something else Alex can’t quite parse, but he continues. “You’re even more impressive than I thought, Ileao.”

Ileao ducks eir head shyly. “Shit, Alex. Sappy bitch.”

Alex laughs, surprised even though he really shouldn’t be by now. “Your manners are not quite so impressive, however.”

Ileao scoffs, smacking lightly at his arm. “Bastard! You’re dead to me now.”

“That’s all it takes?”

“That is _more_ than it takes, Alex. I have high standards,” ey say, turning eir nose up dramatically.

“Then I shall strive to meet them,” Alex replies smoothly, and Ileao grins, dropping the haughtiness to nudge his shoulder and absentmindedly run eir hand down his arm before moving to the camera and tripods to pack it back up.

Alex _may or may not_ be looking after em with what _may or may not_ be classified as heart eyes. …Until he notices Zabrell staring at him with narrowed, suspicious eyes. Alex smiles politely, turning to wink slightly at his phone camera. That’s what prank youtubers do, right? Ah, well.

“To the mall!” Ileao shouts, hoisting the bag up over eir shoulders. “So Alex can buy me jolly ranchers!”

Alex chuckles. “You’ve done your part,” he says, lifting the camera bag to carry it himself. Ileao tilts eir head, and he smiles. “Worry not. I’ll still buy the jolly ranchers.”

“Babe,” Zabrell says loudly, walking beside em, “if you wanted something to suck on that badly, you could’ve just told me.”

Ileao splutters in embarrassment, glancing frantically up at Alex. _“Zabrell!”_ ey hiss, pointing unnecessarily. “Shut _up!_ _”_

Alex’s smile is suddenly… a whole lot harder to keep up. It’s no longer as genuine as it was, met with the reminder that Ileao is not his, and never will be.

It hurts, but it’s exactly what he signed up for, isn’t it?

Zabrell gets into the passenger seat this time, asking Ileao to drive, and ey jump at the opportunity. Alex wonders if ey realize Zabrell’s just trying to keep them apart. He wonders if ey’d care, or if ey’d just want to respect eir partner’s wishes.

They drive to the mall. Alex is lost in thought the whole way, only snapping out of it to wink poorly at the camera.


	12. THE Prank: Pt 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prank TM: Part Three. Alex, Ileao, and Zabrell eat at the mall before going home, and then Ileao and Alex have a late-night talk.

When they arrive at the mall, Ileao makes them go straight to the candy store. Alex can’t help but smile as he dutifully gifts em a package of jolly ranchers. Ey seem sated after that, strolling along beside Alex and Zabrell as ey suck on eir hard candies.

It’s… a little distracting.

If Zabrell notices Alex’s uselessness, xe doesn’t mention it. They get to the food court without problem, and Alex double checks that he’s still recording as Zabrell and Ileao argue about where to eat.

“That shop sells _calzones,_ Zabrell, and they are filled with _cheese_ and that’s _great-_ _”_

“Since when do you like cheese!?”

“Since, like, always!” Ileao scoffs. Ey turn to Alex. “Calzones, or-” Ey gag dramatically. “-Pizza?”

Alex squints.

“Are they… not the same things, just presented differently?”

Zabrell turns around to walk off hir anger, and Ileao throws eir arms up in exasperation. “Oh my god! Oh my _god!_ I didn’t realize you had _zero taste,_ Alex!” ey shout.

“I realized that as soon as he started flirting with _you,_ _”_ Zabrell mutters, but Ileao doesn’t seem to hear. Thank _god._

“And you won’t accept a compromise of some sort? A third option?” Alex asks, amused.

“ _No!_ Calzones or pizza, Alex! Answer the damn question!” Ileao huffs, crossing eir arms.

“Hmm…” Alex glances at Zabrell. Xe _might_ be far enough away for Alex to try something without getting immediately smacked into next week. “Well, it’s hard to say no to you, Ileao.” He strides closer as Ileao freezes, blushing furiously, and then he swoops closer and lands a quick peck on eir cheek before continuing on toward the calzone shop.

“What?” Ileao asks quietly, sounding dumbstruck.

“What the _fuck_ was that!?” Zabrell calls, and Alex forces himself to stay calm.

“A platonic gesture,” he calls back. “You’ve never seen it?”

“How is that _platonic,_ _”_ Ileao whispers, likely to emself, but Zabrell doesn’t seem to hear. Luckily, Alex gets to the counter of the calzone place before Zabrell can catch up to chew him out, so he’s in the clear. For a few minutes, at least.

Alex puts in his order first before stepping back to let Zabrell and Ileao put in theirs. Ileao opens eir mouth to order and then abruptly stops when Zabrell elbows em harshly in the stomach, and ey wince as Zabrell orders for them both, suspiciously asking for one calzone and one salad.

Zabrell pays their bill before marching off to find a table, and Ileao goes to follow until Alex reaches out to lightly grab eir arm. “Hey,” he says quietly. “What were you going to order?”

Ileao tilts eir head. “What?”

“You looked like you had something in mind, before Zabrell ordered for you.”

“Oh, I… I dunno. I used to come here a lot before meeting hir, and I’d always get the number five. But xe likes it better when I eat lighter stuff. It’s fine.”

“Hmm,” Alex replies, dropping eir arm, and ey shrug as ey head over to the table Zabrell’s picked out. It’s probably for the best, since xe was watching them like a hawk. Once Ileao’s out of earshot, Alex steps back up to the counter and asks the service worker to add the fifth menu special onto his order, and she smiles politely and adjusts his bill.

Alex lingers by the counter until their food is ready, and then he takes both bags and carries them over to the table. “Here you go,” he says, handing theirs to Zabrell. Zabrell, as Alex suspected, lays out the calzone for hirself and the salad for Ileao, who wrinkles eir nose for a moment before catching emself and evening eir expression out into something a little more neutral.

Alex unpacks his own bag then, gasping in mock surprise when he pulls out an extra calzone. “How peculiar,” he says. “They gave me an extra.”

Zabrell raises an eyebrow. “Did they charge you for it?”

Alex pretends to check the receipt. “Yes.”

“Then go yell at them.”

Alex blinks. “…No, that’s alright,” he says. “It’s not a big deal. Ileao, you don’t have much, would you like the extra?”

Ileao furrows eir eyebrows in confusion when he hands em the number five special, and then ey look up at him in baffled realization. “Alex, you…”

“Hmm?”

Ey shake eir head, smiling and dropping eir eyes. “Nothing. Thank you.”

Zabrell eyes the two of them suspiciously but doesn’t say anything else, and the meal is finished in (relative) peace, which is only shaken when Alex tries to subtly flirt with Ileao every few minutes. They take their time, Zabrell scrolling through something on hir phone while Ileao tells a very animated story about… sewers? Monsters? It’s a little hard to follow, but Alex appreciates eir enthusiasm all the same.

It’s nearing seven at night when they finally take it upon themselves to pack up and leave, and Alex ends up in the passenger seat next to Zabrell this time on the ride home. He spends most of the journey peering over his shoulder to talk to Ileao anyway, despite Zabrell turning the radio louder and louder. At one point, Ileao actually gets fed up with it, suddenly saying very loudly, “Hey, Zabs, could you turn that down? We’re trying to talk, like normal human beings!”

Zabrell seems shocked, though whether it’s by the confidence in eir voice or the fact that ey spoke up at all, Alex can’t tell. Either way, their conversation is much easier after that, and for a while, Alex forgets all about the prank, simply enjoying his time with Ileao. He’s… He’s going to miss this, he thinks. He knows.

When they get back to the apartment, Zabrell clears out in a real huff, citing hir need for ‘a bit of fucking privacy,’ and Ileao just shrugs and offers to show Alex the spare room. Alex, of course, immediately agrees, picking up his bags to relocate them, and he’s delighted when Ileao’s fingers brush his as they walk.

“Alright, so,” Ileao begins as they enter the room, “I kind of procrastinated cleaning this place out until, like, earlier today. So it’s not exactly spic-and-span. But it’s livable, probably, and I dug out the _fancy_ blankets, too.”

“Fancy blankets?”

“I don’t know, they’re extra soft. Zabrell won’t let me use them because-” Ey put on a mocking voice. “’-if I’m cold, I should just go to hir!’ But you’re a guest, so xe can’t complain!”

Alex laughs. “I suppose not. Do you get cold very easily?”

“Oh, all the fuckin’ time! I’m pretty much cold-blooded, I think. And if you try to tell me why that’s not scientifically possible, I _will_ scream, so. Choose your words wisely, smart-guy.”

Alex grins, shaking his head fondly. “I’ll spare myself the pain, thank you.”

“And that’s why you have a reputation on Youtube as ‘the smart one,’” Ileao says, grinning mischievously.

Alex should _not_ be as flattered as he is by that simple statement; it’s not even a reflection of _Ileao_ _’s_ views, it’s a reflection of the Youtube community. But he still can’t help himself from blurting out, “Do _you_ think-”

And then, thank god, he manages to stop himself. “Oh, never mind. Are you going to bed now?”

Ileao tilts eir head, stepping curiously towards him. “No, what were you going to say?”

“I…” Oh, bollocks. What’s the worst that could happen? “I wanted to know whether _you_ thought I was smart.”

Ileao’s expression softens. “Of _course_ I do, Alex. You’re a _genius!_ It seems like every time I tune into one of your streams, you’re doing something else that I didn’t think was possible.”

“Ah,” Alex says, as though his heart isn’t beating right out of his chest.

A small smile grows on eir face, patient and fond. Not exactly eir usual energy. “You’re _amazing,_ Alex. I mean…” Eir voice turns a touch more joking. “I can’t really speak to your _street_ smarts, you know, common sense. And every time I tune in to one of your streams, you _also_ seem to be on fire. So.” Ey grin, shaking eir head. “But other than that… Yeah, Alex. Of course.”

“That’s… good to know,” Alex says hoarsely, looking down.

Ileao snorts, shaking eir head again. “Goodnight, Alex.” Ey reach out to pat his arm, and despite Ileao’s insistence that ey’re cold blooded, it feels like the warmest touch Alex has ever had the pleasure of experiencing.

“Goodnight,” he whispers, long after ey’ve gone.

_Bollocks._

☼☼☼

Alex awakens abruptly, blinking sleep out of his eyes and turning to stare blearily at the digital clock on the bedside table. A little past midnight. Why is he up?

He hears something moving in the kitchen. Ah. That’s why.

It’s probably only Zabrell or Ileao, getting a drink or something. Nothing to worry himself with.

Alex lays back down. But, subconsciously, he listens.

And the sound—rummaging? Someone digging through something?—continues, albeit quietly enough that he certainly would not have awoken from it, were he not such a light sleeper. And Alex begins to worry, however irrationally, that Ileao is in trouble. That something extreme happened with Zabrell—god forbid due to Alex’s actions—and ey’ve been kicked out of the bedroom, or something.

Alex isn’t typically one to succumb to anxiety, but things are different when it comes to Ileao, and he can’t manage to get his mind off the subject after the thought enters his head. Eventually, he sighs and swings his legs around to the side of the bed, stretching idly before forcing himself to his feet. As quietly as he can, he cracks the bedroom door open, peeking out and seeing nothing before slipping out into the hall.

Zabrell and Ileao’s bedroom door is closed, and the lights in the bedroom and the hall are both out. But there are lights on in the kitchen/living room, it seems, so Alex heads that way, still rubbing the stubborn remains of sleep out of his eyes. He blinks as he enters the arch into the kitchen.

Ileao is on the ground in front of the living room closet, rifling through a pile of random objects scattered on the ground around em. There’s a haphazard pile of mismatching blankets on the floor to eir right, and ey make a quiet “Aha!” sound when ey dig out another to add to the collection.

Alex chuckles quietly as he moves across the room, kneeling on both knees beside em. Ey still don’t notice him until he lightly taps eir shoulder, as which point ey squeak and whirl around, knocking over the pile of blankets. He laughs again, covering his mouth and shaking his head.

“Alex!” Ileao squeaks, breathing heavily. Ey laugh to emself then, shaking eir head and relaxing. _“God,_ you scared me. Asshole.”

“I wasn’t trying to be stealthy.”

Ey shoot him a tired glare. “Are you sure you’re not trying to be _annoying?_ _”_

“Not that I’m aware,” he replies, still smiling. Ileao rolls eir eyes, and Alex sighs, leaning against the wall. “Why are you up so late?”

“Cold,” Ileao answers, returning to eir quest. _“Freezing._ Zabrell’s hogging all the covers like the little bitch xe is, and I’m not dumb enough to try to wake hir up this late. Xe’s a heavy sleeper anyway.” Ey sigh in exasperation. “So my only other option is to scrounge up ever other allowed blanket in this fucking apartment and make myself a cocoon on the couch. I may be awake for the rest of the night, but at least I can try to make myself warmer.”

Alex tilts his head. “If you’re going to be awake anyway, why don’t you come sit in my room?”

Ileao furrows eir eyebrows. “Why?”

“I don’t mind staying up with you. And you can use the ‘fancy’ blankets.”

Ileao’s eyes light up with realization and excitement, and ey nod quickly. “Hell yes, oh my god! _Thank_ you, Alex, you’re my fucking hero.”

Alex feels heat rising to his cheeks, and hopes desperately that the dim kitchen lighting is not enough to reveal that particular fact to Ileao. “It’s my pleasure.” He pushes himself to his feet, grabbing the pile of blankets as he goes. “Should we clean this up first?” he asks, gesturing to the other things on the ground with his foot.

Ileao wrinkles eir nose, waving him off. “Nah, I’ll get to it in the morning. Right now I just want warmth. Like. So badly.”

Alex laughs. “Well, come on then,” he says, heading for his bedroom. Ileao runs after him, beating him to the door and holding it open for him, and he grins as he slips through, dumping the blanket pile on the bed. He gathers up the ‘fancy’ blankets, too, so Ileao can build that cocoon ey were talking about.

Ey flop onto the bed, sitting up and crossing eir legs before starting to build a little nest of blankets, and Alex is left staring in lovestruck helplessness as ey do that tongue-sticking-out thing ey always do while working, putting so much concentration towards the simple act of building a blanket cocoon. At some point, ey become so wrapped up in blankets that ey can’t even reach across the bed to grab more, so Alex carries em through the homestretch, draping the last blankets over eir shoulders.

“Any better?” he asks.

Ileao thinks for a moment. Then ey nod decisively, only eir face peeking out from the blanket prison. _“Much_ better. Thanks.”

Alex hums in reply, thinking to himself. “If this happens often… Perhaps I could make you a weighted blanket with an internal heating function. I doubt it would take all that much planning. I could probably knock it out in a single stream.”

Ileao’s eyes widen in disbelief. “You would do that for me?”

“Of course I would!” Alex passionately replies. “If it makes your life any easier, then it is entirely worth the effort.”

“Oh,” Ileao says quietly, looking up at him with stars in eir eyes. “I… Alex, that’s…”

“Too much?” he asks nervously, drawing back. “I’m sorry.”

“No!” ey say quickly, vehemently shaking eir head. “No, I just… I don’t know. I don’t think anyone’s ever been so… so…”

“What?”

Ileao hesitates, and then quietly says, “You’re so _nice,_ Alex. _Too_ nice. You don’t yell at me when I mess up, or when I don’t- you don’t yell at me at _all!_ You never make me feel self-conscious or like- like you’re disappointed in me. And you keep- _Damn_ it, Alex, you keep being _nice!_ Complimenting me, comforting me, _listening_ to me, helping me-” Ey groan, pulling one of the blankets down over eir face. “I just don’t get it. What do you _want?_ _”_

Alex stares at em in disbelief. “Ileao, I… I don’t want _anything_ except for you to be safe and happy. I care about you!”

“ _Why?”_ ey ask quietly, desperately.

Alex shrugs. “You’re… You’re special. You stand out, with your abstract clothing and incomprehensible style and impressive skills. You’re funny, and brave, and I like being around you. You’re my friend; perhaps my closest one. I…” Alex takes a deep breath. “I care for you more than I have cared for anyone else in a very, very long time, Ileao.”

Ileao stares up at him, blinking uncomprehendingly and then squeezing eir eyes shut and shaking eir head. “You shouldn’t,” ey whisper.

“I disagree,” Alex says firmly. He moves closer to em on the bed. “Are you still cold?”

“…A little.”

“Then let me help.” He puts his arm around Ileao’s shoulders, pulling em and eir pile of blankets up against his side. Ileao immediately snuggles up close to him, and he sighs contentedly.

Ileao doesn’t say anything else for a while, just sniffling quietly every few minutes and clinging to Alex’s shirt. Alex doesn’t mind, doesn’t force a conversation, content just to hold em and let em process everything for as long as ey need.

Alex… Alex _loves_ em.

Bollocks.

Eventually, Ileao settles enough to strike up a conversation again, and the two of them simply move on as though nothing happened, talking idly into the night about Youtube, their projects, their lives. It’s not until three in the morning that Ileao yawns, smiling drowsily and quietly saying, “I should probably try to get back to bed. But… Thank you, Alex. For everything.”

Ey leave, dragging half the blankets with em, but Alex stays awake for another hour, just thinking about everything. About _em._

It never occurs to him that he was supposed to be recording.


	13. THE Prank: Pt 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Horrible Terrible Prank: Part 4 of 4. In which Alex finally fucks up.

The next time Alex wakes up, it’s to the smell of burnt food and the sound of a steady string of curses.

He gets out of bed and stumbles out into the hall, following the noise and smell into the kitchen, where he walks in on Ileao death-glaring at a pan on the stove. “I will see you in Hell,” ey hiss, and Alex chokes out a surprised laugh. Ileao whirls around with wide eyes and cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and ey rub at the back of eir neck shyly. “I, uh… That wasn’t for you.”

“I figured,” Alex says, smiling good-naturedly as he approaches the stove. He has absolutely no clue what was in the pan before Ileao smote it, as it’s completely indistinguishable from a pile of ash. “What is this supposed to be?”

Ileao scoffs. “Uh, okay, _rude,_ who asked you?”

“Ileao, _I_ _’m_ asking _you._ _”_

Ileao flushes even more. “Okay, well. Bastard. It was supposed to be… a single pancake?”

“A single pancake.”

“Yes!” ey says defensively, putting eir hands on eir hips. “I wanted to test out one to make sure the batter wasn’t shit. And then I expertly transmuted it into gunk instead.”

“Intentionally?”

“Eh, more or less.”

Alex snorts, shaking his head and taking the pan off the stove. He grabs the spatula ey were using (or at least trying to use) and uses it to scrape the solidified chaos off the bottom of the pan and into the trash can. “I think we’ll have to try that one again,” Alex says, and Ileao scowls. Alex sets the pan and spatula back down and raises his hands defensively. “Calm down! It was amazing gunk. It was not, however, amazing _food._ _”_

Ileao grumbles to emself and then sighs in resignation. “Fine. I’ll take it.”

“How civilized of you.”

“Thin ice, Alex!”

He rolls his eyes fondly. “Sure. Do you want to try pancakes again, or something else?”

Ey sigh. “I think we should probably just go out somewhere, honestly. I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m not actually a very good cook.”

“You’re good at other things,” Alex assures em, waving em off.

Ey snort. “Like what? Pissing people off?”

“Designing and creating clothing, editing videos, un-”

“Alex!” Ileao whines, covering eir flushed face with eir hands. “Stoopppp. You’re horrible.”

Alex steps closer, a mischievous smile on his face. Ileao’s not the only one capable of causing trouble.

“Whatever do you mean?” he asks, taking a big step closer to em. Ileao looks up in confusion, and Alex drapes his arms over eir shoulders, loosely around eir neck. Ileao’s face turns a dark blue despite eir clear efforts not to break eye contact or back down at all, and Alex hums appraisingly as he pulls em closer, right up against him.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” he asks. “Don’t like being appreciated?”

“Fuck,” Ileao whispers.

“What’s the problem?” Alex asks, a bit of genuine concern creeping into his voice as he begins to lean back.

“I don’t want you to leave,” Ileao admits. “Ever.”

Alex’s breath hitches. Oh, god, Ileao _does things_ to him. He’s not going to know what to do with himself after this ‘prank’ is over and he can’t do this anymore.

“Good morning,” Zabrell says, yawning loudly, and Alex stumbles backwards, away from Ileao. Luckily, Zabrell seems to have been stretching and yawning with hir eyes closed when xe entered the room, so xe didn’t see Alex and Ileao’s… _interesting_ position, but xe still looks suspicious when xe sees the way they’ve both jumped away. Suddenly, Alex remembers the prank and quickly takes out his phone, starting the recording. Forgot about that whole thing. “What are you guys up to?”

“I was trying to cook but I fucked up,” Ileao says quickly. “Alex, uh, he walked in on me being useless.”

Alex frowns and opens his mouth to disagree, but then he sees the way Zabrell instantly relaxes, smirking at them both. _Oh._ “Of course,” Zabrell says, walking over to inspect the pan. “Pretty normal stuff, then.”

“Yep,” Ileao says weakly, and… Alex is still a little bit in shock. Why would ey _do_ that? Are ey… protecting him?

“We should probably go get some food downtown,” Zabrell says.

“That’s smart,” Ileao replies, despite suggesting it emself only a few minutes ago. Hmm. Maybe Ileao is more aware than Alex was giving em credit for.

Zabrell hums in agreement before turning to Alex. “So. When do you plan on starting this prank of yours?”

“Perhaps I’ve already started it,” Alex says cryptically. “You won’t know until it’s over.”

Zabrell laughs, though it’s stiff and forced. “Funny guy. Hey, Ileao, why don’t you go get ready so we don’t have to wait an hour before leaving?”

Ileao ducks eir head and darts out of the room before Alex can say anything about Zabrell’s unsubtle jab, and Alex hardly has time to turn the camera before Zabrell is cornering him against the counter, towering over him and sneering rudely.

“Is there a problem?” Alex asks calmly.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, there is,” Zabrell says shortly, gritting hir teeth. “You’re flirting with my partner. All the time.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Zabrell narrows hir eyes. “You compliment eir appearance every chance you get.”

“Ey looked nice, and I thought ey could use the encouragement.”

“You go out of your way to touch em. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that.”

“Friendly gestures. You know how it is.”

Xe snarls. “You _kissed eir cheek._ _”_

Alex, smiling, shrugs. “Did I? I don’t recall.”

“Listen closely,” Zabrell says quietly, leaning close enough for Alex to feel hir breath. Oh, bollocks. He shouldn’t have left his wand in his room. “Ileao is _mine._ If you continue hitting on em, I will pound your ass right into the fucking ground.”

“Why, Zabrell!” Alex says before his brain can catch up to his mouth. “You have a partner!”

Zabrell freezes, and Alex can practically see the gears turning in hir head before xe suddenly flushes a deep green and takes a big step back. “I- _God,_ you’re obnoxious,” xe growls after a moment, and Alex smiles politely as xe crosses hir arms and turns away.

“Zabrell…?” Ileao asks, sounding small, and Alex’s heart drops as he looks past Zabrell to the kitchen arch, where Ileao is standing with wide, disbelieving eyes.

Zabrell’s eyes widen too, exhibiting more emotion than Alex has ever seen from hir. “I was- I was threatening him!” xe insists, gesturing wildly in his direction.

Ileao looks annoyed. _“Why?”_

“Because-” Zabrell stops, at a loss for words. “You were fucking flirting!”

Ileao rolls eir eyes, patting Zabrell’s arm as ey walk past hir to Alex. “Well, congratulations. Now we’ve _both_ flirted with Alex. Shut the fuck up.” Ey shoot Alex a smile, gesturing for him (and Zabrell) to follow em to the door. “Thanks for being cool, Alex.”

Alex nods and follows em, smiling uncertainly. Is he being uncool by flirting with em? Is there such a thing as youtuber prank etiquette!? It sounds likely, but Alex has no idea what it is, if it exists. He doesn’t even know what a typical prank is _like._

Ileao insists that ey’re done getting ready, wearing a short-sleeved shirt under a skirt with suspenders and sporting some simple eyeliner and lipstick. Zabrell tries to argue until Ileao silently points at Alex, and Zabrell gives up and goes to get dressed hirself. Alex hurries to get ready as well, slipping his coat on just in case before following Ileao out the door.

Ileao and Zabrell pick a place to get some food, and they vlog along as they go, preparing a video to show for it. Afterward, as they sit at an outdoor table downtown, Zabrell asks what they’d like to do today.

Ileao hums. “Uh… I dunno, the zoo? Aquarium?”

“Oh, _I_ know,” Zabrell says suddenly. “How about the beach?”

“No,” Ileao says immediately.

Zabrell frowns, obviously fake. “Aw, what’s wrong, babe? Don’t you wanna go for a little swim?”

“Zabrell, _please,_ _”_ Ileao says quietly.

“Scared, honey? Think you might _let me down?_ _”_

“ _Zabrell.”_

“What? Maybe I want to relax on the beach, is that so bad?” xe coos.

Ileao’s looking at eir feet, and Alex startles slightly when he notices tears brimming in eir eyes. _Bollocks,_ what’s the story _there?_ Alex bites his lip, fighting the urge to take eir hand.

“I’m _sorry,_ Zabrell,” Ileao whispers.

“I’ll forgive you if we go to the beach. You know I love that,” Zabrell says, smiling smugly. Ileao is trembling.

“I’m allergic to sand,” Alex blurts.

Zabrell furrows hir eyebrows. “…What?”

Alex shrugs. It’s time to commit. “I’m allergic to sand. Being near it harms me. And since I know you wouldn’t want to harm _either_ of us…”

Zabrell seems perplexed, but xe slowly nods. “I… suppose not.” Xe sighs, pursing hir lips. “Well. Any other ideas?”

“Thank you,” Ileao says softly, looking over at Alex, and Alex hopes it’s not as obvious as it feels, the way his heart is melting.

Zabrell loudly speaks up again. “We could go ice skating.”

Ileao frowns. “I’ll- But it’s cold-”

“Well, it’s that, or the beach, Ileao. And Alex can’t do the beach.”

“I believe we have many more options, actually,” Alex says. “Ileao suggested a zoo earlier. Or we could always just walk along the streets and look for something interesting.”

“God-” Zabrell huffs, slapping the table as xe pushes hirself up. “Your prank better be _damn_ good after all of this.”

Xe stomps away to pay their bill, and Ileao, still sounding dejected, says, “I’m sorry, Alex.”

He frowns. “What? Why are you sorry?”

“For the way Zabrell’s acting.”

“That’s not your fault,” Alex says. “It’s not your responsibility to apologize for hir.”

Ileao tilts eir head. “It’s… not? How?”

“What do you mean how? Zabrell is hir own person, Ileao. You have no control over what xe says or does.”

“Well, yeah but… _Zabrell_ _’s_ not going to apologize.”

“Why?”

“Because…” Ileao bites eir lip, thinking. “Because, I don’t know, xe’s just _not._ Xe’s _great._ And I’m _not,_ so- so, like, _obviously_ if something’s going this wrong, it’s because I did something.”

“Ileao, no-”

“I made hir mad. I didn’t want to go to the- to the beach, and I tried to tell hir no, and it made hir unhappy so xe was rude to you. That’s why I’m sorry.”

“ _Ileao,”_ Alex says, his voice shaking with emotion. “That is not fair to you. You should feel allowed to disagree with hir, or to tell hir when your boundaries are being pushed in a way you don’t appreciate. That is not a shortcoming on your part. You have done _nothing_ wrong here.”

Ileao looks away. “I’m sure that’s not true.”

“It is,” Alex insists. “You’ve been a brilliant host, Ileao. I’ve had a good time with you.”

Ileao looks up uncertainly for a moment. Then, before ey can say anything, Zabrell rounds the corner. “Alright, we’re good to go. Let’s… walk the streets, or whatever.”

“Perhaps we’ll find something intriguing,” Alex says, and Zabrell grumbles but nods.

They walk through the downtown area for an hour or so, dipping in and out of shops to pick up various things and get some snacks for later. While Zabrell is in one of the shops, Ileao and Alex stand outside it, and Alex notices Ileao shivering and rubbing eir arms.

“Cold again?” he asks, amused.

“Yes,” Ileao grumpily admits.

“Why did you wear that? We haven’t had a hot day in a while.”

Ileao sticks out eir tongue at him. “Because I didn’t think ahead, okay? Lathandar.”

Alex chuckles and slips off his coat, draping it over Ileao’s shoulders, and ey look up at him in surprise.

“What..?” ey ask, tilting eir head curiously but nonetheless pulling the coat tighter around emself.

Alex shrugs. “You’re cold. You need a coat.”

Ileao smiles softly. “But- You need a coat too. Why else would you have brought one?”

He shrugs again. “Just in case. But I’m not particularly cold, and…” He smiles. “It looks better on you anyhow.”

When Zabrell comes out of the shop and sees Alex’s coat around Ileao’s shoulders and Ileao’s face turned a whole new shade of blue, xe scowls and turns back in the direction of the car. “Come on, let’s go home,” xe says. “We can do our own shit until Alex is ready for his mysterious prank.”

Alex idly agrees. It’ll probably be easier to get Ileao alone at the apartment than out in public anyway. They all pile into the car and Zabrell drives them back to the apartment, with the radio turned up on high volume all the while.

Once they get back, Zabrell splits off to do something in hir office, and Alex subtly sets up his phone on one side of the room, constantly recording, so he won’t forget it again. He and Ileao end up on the couch together, just talking and hanging out.

About twenty minutes in, Ileao glances at the doorway and then turns to dig something out from behind the couch cushions. It’s a small brown bag with a bright blue ribbon tying the top closed, and it clanks quietly when Ileao moves it.

“What’s that?” Alex asks curiously.

Ileao looks nervous as ey explain, absentmindedly beginning to twirl it around eir fingers. “I, uh… It’s a stim toy. It’s fun, keeps my hands busy. But Zabrell says it’s stupid, so I’m not allowed to…” Ey breathe out slowly, shaking eir head. “Do- Do you want me to put it away?”

“Of course not,” Alex says. “If you enjoy it, it’s welcome to stay.” He pauses. “I’m glad you trust me enough to bring it out.”

Ileao snorts, but there’s a light dusting of indigo across eir cheeks. “Well, yeah. I trust you more than I’ve trusted… uh, anyone, I think. At least, the most I’ve trusted anyone in a really long while.”

That makes Alex’s heart _sing_ with joy, and he can feel his own cheeks heating up, but it also sets off alarm bells in his head. “What about Zabrell?” he asks worriedly.

Ileao’s eyes drop to the couch cushions. Ey twirl the bag a little faster. “I… I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“That’s okay,” Alex says softly. “You don’t have to know right now.”

They get back to talking a little more casually. Alex, at some point, mentions being interested in a Fashion Fucked collab, and Ileao lights up with excitement, twirling the bag ever faster. They exchange ideas and excitement and praise, only stopping when, an hour later (oh, how the time flies), Ileao suddenly shivers.

Ey laughs. “Sorry, I’m fuckin’ cold again. Can’t believe this shit.”

“Even with the coat?”

“Yes, obviously,” ey huff, wrapping Alex’s coat tighter around eir torso. Ey put it on correctly at some point during their conversation, and now ey look only a few degrees of cold away from retracting eir hands into it.

“Well, come here, then.” Alex pulls em closer, rubbing eir arms to warm em up, and Ileao crawls forward with a gentle sort of wonder in eir eyes. Since Alex has turned and tucked his legs up under himself on the couch, Ileao has crawled between his knees, his long coat pooling around them on the couch. Ey’ve abandoned the stim toy to the coffee table, all of eir attention now focused on Alex.

It takes almost all of Alex’s self-control to continue the conversation, and now it’s much more muted and soft. They only make it a few sentences in before Alex finds himself leaning forward, carefully noting how Ileao begins to lean in as well. Alex tilts his head, feels Ileao’s fingers grasping at the hair on the nape of his neck, leans closer still-

“What the _fuck_ are you doing!?” Zabrell booms, and Ileao scrambles away from Alex before they can finally kiss. _Bollocks._

“I-” Ileao’s voice is pitched high with panic as ey struggle to find eir words. “I-”

Zabrell storms across the room, towards Ileao, and Alex jumps to his feet to stand in front of em. “Now, Zabrell-” he begins.

“Shut the _fuck_ up, you damn near kissed my fucking partner!” Zabrell snarls. Xe pushes Alex aside with an unsurprising ease, glowering down at Ileao. “What the _fuck_ were you thinking, Ileao?”

“I- I wasn’t- I’m _sorry!_ _”_ Ileao’s crying, tears running down eir cheeks as eir breath comes far too fast. Alex steps back in front of em, forcing Zabrell back to make some space between them.

“Please lower your voice,” Alex says, as calmly as he can. He refuses to acknowledge that his own voice is shaking precariously. “You are scaring em.”

“ _Good!”_ Zabrell shouts.

Alex narrows his eyes. “Take a step back, Zabrell. We can talk about this like adults.”

“Oh, _can_ we?” xe asks, cracking hir knuckles, and Alex takes a deep breath. Bollocks. He might be in some trouble here, actually. He’s not sure he can do much of anything with his wand in such a tightly-knit, grouped-up area. Precision is not his specialty.

And then he remembers the prank.

Alex rakes his mind for everything he knows about youtube pranks—it’s not much, but he vaguely recalls some of the stuff from the breakup prank that blew up a while ago. “Well,” Alex laughs, playing it up as best he can. “Maybe not. But you must admit, I had you fooled!”

Zabrell looks confused. And still furious. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“This was a prank!” Alex says loudly. “I pranked you by ‘stealing’ your partner!”

Zabrell furrows hir eyebrows, though xe does seem to relax a little. “What? All weekend?”

“All weekend?” Ileao asks quietly.

Uh oh. “Ileao was in on it!” Alex quickly adds. He doesn’t want Ileao getting in trouble for any of this. “See? The camera’s right there.” He points to his phone positioned across the room, and Zabrell relaxes significantly more.

“We got you good,” Ileao says, smiling weakly, and Alex finally feels comfortable enough with the situation to step out from between em and Zabrell.

“You reacted _really_ strongly,” Alex notes.

Zabrell, finally, smiles. Xe throws back hir head in raucous laughter. “Holy _shit!_ You really _did_ get me! God, that explains _so much!_ _”_

Alex nods, smiling along in relief. “I would expect as much.”

“That’s why you kept telling em ey looked good,” Zabrell says happily, counting it off on hir fingers. “That’s why you kept touching em. That’s why you _stood up for em,_ over and over! God _damn,_ Alexander, you had this planned down to the last detail!”

Alex hesitates. That… wasn’t a prank. _None_ of that was a prank. That was all so, _so_ real. He takes a breath, reminding himself. It’s okay. He’s pretending it _was_ a prank. Ileao got a weekend of extra compliments and comfort, Alex got a taste of what he can’t have and the opportunity to fulfill his obligations, and Zabrell got hir silly video. Everyone’s happy.

And then, with Zabrell still laughing chaotically in the background, Alex looks over at Ileao.

And ey look _heartbroken._

Suddenly, everything he thought he knew about this weekend is unwound. Did- Did Ileao _want_ this? The late-night talks, the closeness, the comfortable banter, the- Did Ileao actually want to _kiss_ him? In _more_ than just an in-the-moment kind of way?

Alex is regretting so much. He could’ve actually talked with em, asked if ey wanted to stay with Zabrell, confronted Zabrell about it if ey didn’t. And what does that mean for Ileao’s relationship, even if ey and Alex _didn_ _’t_ go further? Are ey happy? Were ey happy _before_ this weekend? Would ey be happy with _Alex?_

“Well,” Alex says, and it comes out raspy and hoarse. He clears his throat, looking away from Ileao. “Zabrell, would you like to close us out? I’m not very experienced in this side of the Youtube world.” He walks across the room, partially to get away from Ileao, and grabs his phone, handing it to Zabrell.

Zabrell takes it with a wide smile, still laughing to hirself as xe gives a comfortable outro to the camera. Xe shakes hir head in amusement as xe ends the recording and hands the camera back to Alex. “Here you go, buddy. You know, that was actually a _really_ good prank. I’m surprised you got em to agree!”

“I was only in it for the jolly ranchers,” Ileao says jokingly, but eir voice is still plagued by a subtle tremor.

Zabrell barks out a laugh, pulling em in for a quick side-hug and leaning down to peck em on the lips. “Of course you were.” Xe turns to Alex. “That’s gonna get a _lot_ of views, I can feel it. Next time though, I think I’d appreciate a _little_ more warning.” Xe laughs again, and then jokingly says, “I expect you out of my house by dinner, Alexander! Pack the fuck up, and don’t touch my partner ever again!”

“Of course,” Alex says, nodding and forcing a smile, and Zabrell laughs once more, the sound booming through the apartment as xe strolls back toward hir office.

And then it’s just Alex and Ileao.

“Ileao-”

“Save it,” ey say quietly. “It’s my fault for being so fucking gullible.”

“No,” Alex says desperately, crossing the room to get closer to em. “Ileao, it’s _not,_ you didn’t-”

“You know what?” ey ask suddenly, interrupting him. Alex clamps his mouth shut, feeling dark tendrils of guilt curl around his heart when Ileao looks up at him with teary eyes. “You’re right. It’s _not_ my fault. It’s _yours,_ and you’re a _fucking_ asshole.”

Alex’s eyes widen, even though he knows ey’re one hundred percent right. “Ileao-”

“ _Shut up,”_ ey plead. “I don’t wanna fucking hear it! You- You spent this entire visit telling me that I was _worth_ something—god, I _knew_ you weren’t just being nice because you cared—and then you turned around and called it all a lie. That’s fucking _bullshit,_ Alex. It’s horrible and unfair and it’s _bullshit._ _”_

“Ileao, I’m so sorry,” Alex says, desperately clasping his hands together as he feels tears pricking at his own eyes. “I didn’t intend to hurt you. I didn’t think you would go along with it so much, I didn’t know you’d care when it was over!”

“You _should_ have!”

Alex feels hot tears leaving tracks down his cheeks. “I’m… I am so sorry, Ileao. I love you. I love you so much. I never meant to hurt you. _Please_ believe me.”

“Remember when I said I trusted you?” Ileao asks quietly, and Alex feels a tiny spark of hope. “Well, I don’t anymore.”

Ey leave the room, heading towards the office after Zabrell, and Alex can do nothing but sink onto the couch with his head in his hands. He messed up. He messed up _big_ time. And he has _no idea_ how to fix it.

For all his smarts and ingenuity, this is one problem he’s not sure he can overcome.


	14. Discord and Reddit Discussions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fans begin to worry.

* * *

**Transcript:**

The first image is a screenshot of a post on the subreddit r/zabrileao. The subreddit icon is the Zabrileao channel icon. The description is “Discussion about Zabrell and Ileao from Zabrileao.” It has 1.2M members, and was created on January 5, 640. The post is tagged with “Discussion” and written by u/itskevforme. It’s titled “Anyone else feel super bad about Alex’s new prank video?” and the description reads, “Look, I love both these creators. I even ship Ilealex! But this video just… hurt. It was kind of cute until the end, but when Alex said it was a prank, Ileao just looked so broken. I find it hard to believe that ey were actually in on it. I just feel so bad for Ileao.”  
  
The first comment is by u/hellmeaboutit. It reads, “Oh, yeah, it was really uncomfortable. You’re not alone.”  
  
The first reply to this comment is from u/raxipbornandraised, reading, “Not to mention, Zabrell is never as nice to Ileao as Alex was in this video. And Alex was FAKING. Must have stung.”  
  
The last visible reply in the chain is from u/FirstDegreeKevin. It reads, “If I were Ileao, I wouldn't so much as LOOK at Alex after he pulled a stunt like that. ESPECIALLY if I had feelings for him, which Ileao clearly did!”  
  
  


The second image is a screenshot of a Discord chat. The server is called “Zabrileao Fan Server” and the channel the chat is in is called “Discussion.”

IleaoProtectionSquad: “I think it's time for an intervention. Alex's prank video made it so obvious that Ileao and Zabrell's relationship is *not* healthy.” There are 45 clap emoji reactions on this message.

Linbo (no pronouns): “honestly, i was thinking that too. zabrell was HORRIBLE to em, and it kind of made me sick how easily xe switched between subtle manipulation and outright terribleness depending on whether or not xe thought the cameras were on.”

Debbie Sr. (She/Her): “Uh yeah. Did you guys catch that part where Ileao said ey were happy Zabrell LET em eat soup? That sentence hit me like a truck.”

Caleb (He/Him): “I think Zabrell knows what xe’s doing. Ileao probably deserves it anyway” There are 56 puke emoji reactions on this message, 84 thumbs down emojis, and 147 middle-finger emojis.

hierofan33: “Uh, @mods??? Can someone fucking ban this guy??”

SharIsPunk: “Done.”

Linbo (no pronouns): “good fucking riddance!”  
Linbo (no pronouns): “now what are we gonna do to ‘intervene?’”

IleaoProtectionSquad: “Hmm… Do any of you watch Hoan’s Critic Corner? She’s done a few videos taking apart the Zabrileao pranks and pointing out how certain things are abusive. If we could somehow get some of her videos to Ileao…”

AnimatedDoll: “We’ll keep an eye out.”

The last image is a screenshot of @not-fallen-just-exiled's twitter profile. Only the icon and some of the banner are visible; the rest is covered by a grey block reading, "You're blocked. You can't follow or see @not-fallen-just-exiled's Tweets. Learn More." In the bottom left corner of the screenshot is the @AlexanDIY account name and profile, revealing the screenshot to be from Alex's point of view.


	15. Hoan's Critic Corner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoan analyzes one of the Zabrileao videos.

“Today we’re looking at a youtuber called Zabrell,” says the older woman on screen. Her name is Hoan, and she’s known for the show this video is a part of; Hoan’s Critic Corner. “Hir channel, Zabrileao, is shared between hir and hir partner Ileao, but I’m about to show you why Zabrell’s the one causing problems, all on hir own.”

“The first video we’re looking at is called, ‘I Pretend To Hate My S.O!?’ and it is sickening. Most of these couple pranks we look at are really gross, but it’s always obvious that the person being pranked is in on it. They’ve been told what’s up, they have the script, etcetera. What makes the Zabrileao pranks so bad is that it is _painfully_ obvious that Ileao has not been told what’s going on. Let’s watch a clip from this video.”

> The clip begins, showing Zabrell on the couch and Ileao kneeling beside hir. Ey look worried, biting eir lip and furrowing eir eyebrows as ey gently shake Zabrell’s arm.
> 
> “Zabrell?” Ileao asks softly. “Please talk to me, please. Whatever I did, I’m sorry.”

The clip pauses. Hoan’s face reappears on screen. “Sorry to pause it so soon, but this is already a red flag right here. Ileao can’t think of anything ey’ve ‘done wrong’ recently, and yet ey’re still apologizing. Red flag, that’s all I’m saying.”

> The previous clip continues, showing Zabrell huffing and rolling hir eyes, turning away. Ileao looks even more concerned, tugging on hir arm again until Zabrell growls and turns, glaring at em. _“What?”_ xe snaps, and Ileao flinches back.
> 
> “I… I’m sorry. What’s wrong? What did I do?”
> 
> Zabrell narrows hir eyes at em, unimpressed. “God, you’re so annoying.”
> 
> Ileao’s eyes widen. “What?”
> 
> “Here you go again, more fucking whining,” Zabrell says, and Ileao bites eir lip, looking hurt.
> 
> “I- I didn’t mean to whine, I’m sorry!” Ey go to reach for Zabrell’s arm again and then quickly think better of it, pulling back. “Please tell me what’s wrong? Maybe I can help!”
> 
> “I fucking doubt it,” Zabrell scoffs, and Ileao swallows hard. “You’re goddamn insufferable, you know that?”
> 
> “No,” Ileao whispers. “I thought… I thought I _was_ sufferable. To… to you, at least.”
> 
> Zabrell laughs, loud and cruel, and Ileao shrinks back. “Wow!” xe says, shaking hir head. “You’re even dumber than I thought!”
> 
> Ileao looks terrified and heartbroken all at once, and when ey open eir mouth to speak, ey can’t get any words to come out.
> 
> Zabrell doesn’t seem to mind, continuing on hir rant. “You think I could still put up with you after _everything?_ _”_ Xe stands up, and the height different plus the fact that Ileao is still sitting on the couch is enough to leave em staring up helplessly at Zabrell’s merciless expression. “Of _course_ not, Ileao! I fucking hate your guts!”
> 
> Ileao’s breath hitches suddenly, and eir eyes widen even more as ey frantically shake eir head. “No, shit, Zabs, I- What did I do!? I’m sorry, I can fix it, I can- I can- I’m _sorry!_ _”_
> 
> “What _didn_ _’t_ you do? You’re pathetic, and clingy, and you’re always taking over my hobbies-”
> 
> “But you don’t like when I have my own!”
> 
> “Oh, shut the fuck up! And you’re always stealing my damn friends, too-”
> 
> “I can’t talk to mine anymore!”
> 
> “Shut _up,_ Ileao! You never fucking listen to me, either!”
> 
> “I _always_ listen!” Ileao argues with tears in eir eyes. “Zabrell, you- I don’t understand why-”

The clip stops, and Hoan sighs. “And this goes on for another five minutes. Now, I promised I wouldn’t pause it again until I was done with this part of the clip, but that’s only because there was _so much_ wrong with all of that. Post in the comments how many red flags _you_ saw, because I saw a whole damn lot.”

She puts a single frame from the clip onscreen, showing Ileao flinching back. “First of all, this is just sad. Zabrell raises hir voice, and Ileao immediately looks _afraid._ Now, you could argue that Ileao may have this reaction because of a previous relationship, but if that’s the case, Zabrell should be considerate enough of hir partner to not put em in this kind of situation.”

A new frame-in-frame appears, showing Ileao mid-sentence. “Here, Zabrell says Ileao is ‘insufferable,’ to which Ileao replies, ‘I thought I _was_ sufferable. To you, at least.’” Hoan blows out a breath of air, shaking her head. “Good Lathandar, this poor elf. So, it seems very clear to me from that reply that Ileao either believes that ey _are_ insufferable, to everyone but Zabrell, or that ey have been _told_ that. And that’s a well-known red flag, an abuser telling their victim that only they, the abuser, could love them. That’s a huge problem, and one that the comment section didn’t seem to hold any issue with, which is just absurd.”

Hoan sighs. “We’re not gonna tear apart every single one of these insults, because they’re all just horrible and frankly, I almost feel guilty even making a video about it. There certainly won’t be a lot of jokes this episode.” A new frame appears in the corner of the screen. “Okay, so here we have a lot of issues all in a row. One: Zabrell says xe hates Ileao, and Ileao’s emotional condition deteriorates more in only a few seconds than it has the entire video up until now. This is _obviously_ a sore subject for em, and one that Zabrell should’ve known well enough not to mess around with. Immediately after this, Ileao’s reaction to Zabrell’s admission is that ey can ‘fix it,’ ‘it’ being implied to be emself. Right off the bat, ey are offering to change for hir, which is never a good thing in a relationship.” Hoan, despite seemingly not realizing it, is glaring at the camera. “Then Ileao says, outright, that Zabrell does not like it when ey have hobbies of eir own, and that that’s the reason why eir supposed interests align so well with Zabrell’s. Zabrell is discouraging Ileao from being an individual, forcing em to spend time with hir! We were just told this _by Ileao, emself!_ Right after that, Ileao says that ey can’t talk to eir own friends anymore, which, given the context of eir last words, heavily implies that Zabrell asked em to cut off contact. This is some heavy shit, and Zabrileao’s audience just _does not care!_ I-”

The camera cuts to Hoan looking much more calm. “I’m sorry, I had to take a break. This is just… very infuriating, that this relationship is seen as a ‘power couple’ and ‘relationship goals’ when there is clearly a very dangerous power dynamic here that has resulted in Ileao being abused. And this video was posted _two years ago!_ Their content has not improved, so I can only assume that this is still the typical state of their relationship—and I’ll be going over another few clips of theirs in another video to prove it. But for now, we’re going to have to stop. I know this was a shorter video, but this is just… It’s horrible. I’ll put links onscreen and in the description to different places you can donate to help victims of domestic abuse, and I’ll be livestreaming tomorrow to help fundraise for the FantasyLoveIsRespect foundation. See you then.”

The video ends abruptly. There is no end card. It is trending on Youtube.

☼☼☼

* * *

**Transcript:**

A tweet by ileao, or @not-fallen-just-exiled. It reads, "fuck it. you guys keep asking for it for some reason, and you all know how i crave validation ;) mediashare live stream tmrw at 7pm on my twitch". It was posted at 8PM on November 30, 644, on Twitter for iStone. It has 7.8K retweets and 20.6K likes.


	16. The Media Share Stream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ileao does a livestream. It ends... poorly.

Ileao is lounging sideways on a spinning office chair, reaching out to the desk on each rotation to keep eir subtle momentum. Eir eyeliner is purple and fades off into swirls, and ey’re wearing purple lip liner and blue lipstick, but that’s all the makeup ey’ve bothered with. Ey’re wearing an oversized green sweater with the word “FINE” printed across it, and ey’re idly sucking on a pink lollipop as eir eyes scan eir monitor, which is offscreen.

“Okay,” ey say after a few moments. “Alright, I’m seeing a lot of ‘Minecraft’s. What the fuck is Minecraft? Isn’t that the weird block game?” Chat blows up in offense, and Ileao snorts and shakes eir head, still spinning slowly. “Lathandar, calm down. It’s on the list.” Ey yawn as ey read the monitor again. “I see a lot of people saying karaoke, which is haha-very-funny but I will actually ban you if you link me to one of Hiero’s videos again. I hate that chick.”

Chat sends a flood of over-dramatic :pensive: emojis, and Ileao rolls eir eyes, smiling. “Yeah, yeah. Uh, some of you are saying we could just watch a bad movie together and make fun of it… But honestly, if we do that, I might fall asleep. Long streams? Not my thing, it turns out.”

 _RaxipLocal donated 5 GP._ _“I dont know, five hours in and you still look great!”_

Ileao grins. “Thank you, RaxipLocal. I know.” Ey yawn again, sitting up straight in the chair and stretching eir arms. The huge sweater pools around eir waist on the chair, and ey stick the lollipop in eir mouth before scooting the chair forward and reaching out with both hands to grab the mouse and keyboard. “Alright,” ey say, sounding strange past the lollipop. “We’ll do the Minecraft thing. But we’re cheating.” Ey glance at chat once more. “Oh, I did promise that, didn’t I? Fine, I’ll turn the media share thing on while we play. Not sure what your plan is here, guys. It’s not a ‘You Laugh You Lose’ kind of thing. Also, there’s no way any of you dumb fucks could make me laugh.”

The screen changes, Ileao’s facecam being moved to the top left corner of the frame as ey boot up Minecraft. “Stop asking me why I have this downloaded! I haven’t played in like, half a decade!” Ey huff. “…Oh, I should probably update it, huh.”

Ey close the window again, starting the update download. There’s suddenly a loud _cronch_ sound, and Ileao grins at the camera as ey proudly show the stick of eir lollipop. “Bam!” ey shout around a mouthful of candy. “That’s eight this stream. Also, stop saying I look hot. Like, yeah, I _do,_ but come on. I’m taken, assholes.”

The chat is filled with more :pensive: emojis, and Ileao laughs as ey launch Minecraft again. “Okay, alright, for real this time! New world. Survival. Cheats on. Do we have a goal here?”

 _Yeeyee donated 40 SP._ _“Beat the ender dragon!!”_

Ileao snorts. “Yeah, no. Thanks, Yeeyee—horrible name by the way—but I don’t even know _how_ to do that. Any other ideas?”

Before anyone can answer, the sound of loud music with a heavy beat starts playing. Ileao jumps in eir chair, instinctively pushing away from the desk before ey realize and just turn the volume down on the media share. There’s a tiny video in the top right corner of the screen, a plain background with the name of the song printed on it. “Oh, the hell?” Ileao asks, scooting closer again. “This song fuckin’ slaps! Alright, the media share was a good idea. I’m sorry for doubting you. Anyway, until we figure something out, I’m just gonna try to make a house and not starve.”

Ey start punching a tree in the game, immediately accidentally crafting all of the logs into planks and then all of the planks into sticks. Ey curse quietly and head towards another tree.

 _AlexanDIY donated 30 GP._ _“We could play together and learn about that ‘ender dragon’ thing at the same time.”_

Ileao stiffens, laughing _incredibly_ fakely. “Yeahhh, I think I’m good. I’ll figure it out on my own, if it comes to that.”

Ey finally make eir first crafting table, laying it down beneath the floating leaves of what was previously a tree. “Okay, what do I need now? Pickaxe? Is that a thing in this game?” ey mutter to emself, lighting up when ey manage to craft a wooden pickaxe. “Aha! I’m a genius. Literally smarter than everyone else in the entire world.”

The chat is filled with :heart_eyes: emojis. _Wingficwriter donated 50 SP._ _“We stan a super-smart icon!! :heart_eyes:”_

“Fuck yeah you do!” Ileao replies, and starts to say something else only to be cut off by another donation.

 _Ilealexshipper22 donated 75 SP._ _“Have you been avoiding Alex lately?”_

Ileao stiffens again. “What? No. Of course not. Idiots. Hey, do I need coal for anything?”

 _NightfallApologist donated 20 SP._ _“What happened??”_

Ileao breathes out slowly, closing eir eyes. “Nothing happened, okay? I just don’t want to talk to him right now. Or, I don’t know, ever. Maybe.” Ey sighs, opening eir eyes again and squinting as ey craft 64 wooden buttons on accident. “…Fuck. Okay, what can we use all these fucking buttons for?”

The media share activates, showing a short clip from one of Ileao’s Fashion Fucked videos where ey are standing on eir chair, pointing at the camera and angrily saying “Talk no longer!”

Ileao laughs. “Thank you! Also, holy shit, wow, I’m hilarious.”

Ey continue playing the game. Thirty minutes later, ey have a crude wooden house with glass pane windows and a door with a button on either side of it. The media shares have been fairly tame, mostly just a few seconds of music, or clips of a well-known vine or tiktok. Ileao is humming to emself as eir in-game character runs through a cave deep underground.

The media share activates again, and Ileao pauses for a moment to glance up at it. _“Hi, I’m Hoan. Thanks for clicking on this video. We’re about to talk about-”_

The clip ends, and Ileao snorts, smiling but furrowing eir eyebrows. “The hell? Okay, whatever-”

Another media share pops up, submitted by a different fan but continuing from where the last one left off. _“-to talk about the Zabrileao channel again. This time, we’re focusing on a video titled-”_

“Ohh,” Ileao says, smiling and shaking eir head. “Just someone talking about us then. Gotcha.” Ey run along in the game, bridging across an underground ravine.

Another media share, again picking up from where the last dropped off. _“-video titled ‘MYSTERY Prank On My PARTNER!?’ Yes, I know. A promising title. But, as always, there’s one common factor-”_

Ileao rolls eir eyes as eir in-game character continues bridging across the ravine, building precariously above a huge pool of lava. “Are we just gonna keep doing this? Really? Because-”

Another media share. _“-one common factor within all of the videos, and it’s_ _ **abuse.**_ _ **”**_

Ileao’s breath hitches, and eir character walks directly into the lava.

Chat is oddly quiet, in a way that feels almost respectful. “Okay, that’s not- That’s not fucking funny,” Ileao says, eir voice shaking slightly. “Cut that shit out. I don’t wanna watch some bullshit amateur ‘analyst’ making random accusations-”

“ _Zabrell ignores Ileao’s boundaries when ey’re trying to get away, manipulates em into feeling guilty by implying_ _ **ey**_ _are the abuser, and by the end of the_ _‘prank,’ xe tricks Ileao into saying ey forgive hir for hir previous prank, which, if you’ve watched my other videos, you’ll know was absolutely horrible.”_

Ileao seems uncomfortable, but ey don’t say anything, just biting eir lip nervously as ey click the ‘respawn’ button in-game. Eir eyes keep flicking between the game and the media share window.

“ _Not to mention, at the end of this disgusting video, Zabrell and Merci take away Ileao’s options of escape, and Zabrell convinces em ey are being unreasonable and pressures em into just going home with hir. Xe even gets Ileao to do the video’s outro.”_

Ileao swallows. Eir in-game character has not moved since being respawned. Chat is still suspiciously slow.

A few seconds pass. And then Ileao asks, in a very small voice, “is that all of it?”

Immediately, chat explodes with youtube links, and Ileao, with trembling hands, clicks one.

Youtube opens over the Minecraft video. It’s a video on Hoan’s Critic Corner, and it’s titled, “This Youtuber Is Being Abused And No One Cares.” Ileao’s breath stutters again when ey see it.

Hoan appears onscreen on the video. She starts her intro, which Ileao quickly skips past.

> “ _-got a real doozy this time, called ‘BREAKING UP WITH MY SO TO SEE HOW EY REACT!’”_ Hoan says.

Ileao chews eir bottom lip anxiously.

> “ _Ileao actually leaves to stay at a friend’s house at the end of this video, which is impressive given how long this abuse seems to have been going on! Ey certainly made the right choice in standing up for emself there.”_

Ileao seems to relax slightly, looking relieved. Ey still don’t say anything.

> “ _I’d like to give you viewers one more warning for this video. Ileao is emotionally and verbally manipulated and abused throughout this video. Ey are shamed for eir weight and eir appearance, made to feel like a burden, and then abandoned out of town without a car. Ey are forced to fly back alone, in the rain. This is not a feel-good video. I think that needs to be made clear. This is serious content.”_

“I… I’m not…” Ileao trails off, uncertain. “Am I…?”

> Hoan plays a clip from the prank video in which Ileao argues with Zabrell, saying xe gets angry when they go out together while Ileao isn’t ‘looking good.’ _“This right here is already just a horrible start. Not only is it incredibly cruel and inconsiderate to place your public appearance over your partner’s safety and comfort, but also, what Ileao says here confirms that the behavior Zabrell exhibits in this scene is_ _ **not**_ _a one-off thing for the video. Xe has done this before, often enough that Ileao has come to expect it._ _”_

Ileao furrows eir eyebrows, shaking eir head. “Well, yeah, but I… Well, xe…”

> “ _Anyway, after this, Zabrell insults eir appearance and tells em not to walk too close to hir while they’re out in public. Ileao is obviously hurt by this, but Zabrell simply laughs to the camera.”_ Hoan sighs. _“Look. I’m not saying you should always respond to your partner with, ‘oh, you look beautiful, honey!’ But there is_ _ **no**_ _need to put someone down like this, especially after ey_ _’ve put such effort into it, and_ _ **especially**_ _if ey love and trust you! Zabrell took advantage of Ileao_ _’s feelings for hir to make hir insults hurt even more. Hir words were cruel and unhelpful. That is not okay.”_ Hoan grits her teeth. _“And yet,_ _ **somehow,**_ _that is the_ _ **least**_ _horrible thing done to Ileao in this video._ _”_

Ileao’s eyes widen slightly, and ey pause the video and glance at the camera. “Wait, that’s not- That’s not normal…?”

The chat explodes with variations of the word “no” along with gentle comforts, and Ileao’s breathing quickens a little as ey skip forward and then unpause the video, turning eir attention back to it.

> “ _Here, Zabrell tells Ileao that em sitting through a long, boring drive is equivalent to hir listening to em talk about eir day. Obviously, this is very belittling and insensitive on it’s own. But then, when Ileao asks why xe’s being so mean, xe says xe ‘doesn’t have the energy to deal with em.’”_ Hoan looks furious, slamming her hands on the table.

Ileao winces at the sound and the movement. “That’s- That’s just a Zabrell thing, it’s not- it doesn’t mean…”

> “ _That is_ _ **bullshit!**_ _Who the hell tells their partner they_ _‘don’t have the energy to_ _ **deal**_ _with them!?_ _’ That’s ridiculous! That’s manipulative and gross! Viewers, if anyone ever says this to you, you need to confront them about it or leave their ass. You should_ _ **never**_ _be made to feel unwanted, or like a burden, and especially not by your significant other._ _”_ Hoan’s anger has not subsided, and she rubs her temples. _“Anyway, after that, Ileao_ _ **does**_ _confront Zabrell, asking_ _‘since when are you just dealing with me?’ And Zabrell, I kid you not, says ‘don’t ask stupid questions.’ And Ileao_ _ **accepts**_ _it! This is_ _ **normal**_ _for them!_ _”_ She shakes her head, looking tired. _“This poor thing. I feel so bad for em, that ey’ve been made to believe that this relationship is one worth keeping.”_

Chat suddenly goes wild as they realize that Ileao is crying. Tears are dripping down eir cheeks. Ey pause the video, sniffing quietly and wiping eir eyes with eir huge, oversized sweater sleeve.

“I, um…” Ileao shakes eir head, squeezing eir eyes shut. “I don’t know if I can-”

The stream hears the sound of a door opening, and then Zabrell’s voice yells, _“Hey!_ Oh, you have headphones on. No fuckin’ wonder, babe, I’ve been texting you for ages!”

Ileao startles, pushing eir headphones off and jumping away from the desk in one fluid motion. “I- Uh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t- Yeah, headphones, I was-”

Zabrell’s eyes wander over to the monitor displaying the video to Ileao, and hir eyes narrow dangerously. “Hey, _babe?_ _”_ Zabrell asks, hir voice low and terrifying. “What the _fuck_ were you watching?”

“N-Nothing, I- I was just, uh, checking out-”

“Oh, _checking out_ a video about how you’re being fucking _abused,_ huh?” Zabrell asks, absolutely fuming as xe turns back to tower over Ileao. Ileao shrinks back, making the height difference even more dramatic. “Yeah, that’s something you’d just happen to _glance_ at, just to _see._ _”_

Ileao has tears brimming in eir wide eyes, and ey look terrified. “Zabrell, I’m- I’m- I’m str-”

“I don’t care _what_ you thought, or what you were doing, or any of that shit!” Zabrell shouts, throwing hir hands up, and Ileao flinches back at the movement. Zabrell laughs hysterically. “Wow, that’s _rich!_ All of the sudden you’re _scared_ of me?”

“I’m not-”

“What, you watch one video by some fucking crackhead analyst and suddenly think you know what’s best?”

Ileao sniffles, visibly shaking. “Zabrell, please, I’m stre-”

“Shut _up!_ _”_ Zabrell hisses, and Ileao clamps eir mouth shut. “God, I should make you sleep over at Merci’s house for even _doubting_ me, you ungrateful bastard. I treat you better than anyone else _ever_ will, Ileao.”

Ileao’s tears finally spill over again, rushing down eir cheeks, and ey frantically rub at eir face with eir sleeves. “I didn’t… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry!”

Zabrell snarls. “You have it so fucking good with me. No one else would have the patience to keep you around. You know that, right?”

Ileao looks heartbroken, terrified, and exhausted all at once. Still, ey sniff and hold out eir hand, pointing tiredly at the other monitors. “I’m streaming, Zabrell,” ey say quietly, staring at the ground.

Zabrell’s eyes widen, and for a moment xe looks _almost_ worried as xe walks over to the monitor, inspecting it. And then a scary, hysterical smile grows on hir face, and xe quietly says, “Son of a bitch.”

Then xe pushes a button on the keyboard, and the last thing the stream hears is Ileao yelling “Zabrell!” before the frame goes black and the stream has ended.


	17. Cover-Up + Kevin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zabrell covers hir ass, and Kevin checks up on Ileao.

* * *

* * *

**Transcript:**

A screenshot of the Youtube mobile app. The current video is paused about 80% through the video, and the thumbnail is a blurred image of a twitch chat beside the words “CHAT GOES WILD!!!” on a blue background, with an “idiot pills” emoji and “angry flushed” emoji over it. The video is tagged #couplepranks. It’s titled “I PRANKED My Partner’s Stream!?” and has 312K likes and 300K dislikes. It’s posted by the Zabrileao channel, which now has 2.93M subscribers.

It has 423K comments, and the top one says “uh. ileao looked SCARED. i think you’re just…” and then trails off under the read more.

The next recommended video is titled “So, My Friend Totally Overreacted…” posted by BegForMerci. It has 2M views and was posted 10 hours ago. The thumbnail is Merci making a super shocked face at the camera, with the word “CRAZY!!” written over it.

Next is an Instagram chat conversation between Kevin and Ileao.

  
Kevin: Hey Ileao! Did you block me on Twitter?

Ileao: oh

Ileao: no, sorry

Ileao: zabrell probably did that

Kevin: That’s okay. Are you alright?

Ileao: fine

Kevin: Are you sure? That stream seemed like it was pretty rough on you.

Ileao: im fine

Kevin: What about Zabrell? Did xe calm down?

Ileao: kevin im fine I swear

Kevin: Okay. But are you hurt?

Ileao: what

Ileao: i just said i was fine

Kevin: Since that stream, I’ve gotten a little more concerned about your standard for what is and isn’t ‘fine.’

Ileao: oh

Ileao: it’s

Ileao: it’s not too bad

Kevin: But you are hurt? Where? Why?

Ileao: just got a lil heated

Ileao: thats all

Ileao: not a big deal

Ileao: doesnt even take that much makeup to cover up

Kevin: Oh my gosh, Ileao…

Ileao: what

Kevin: I’m worried about you.

Ileao: you shouldnt be

Ileao: things are actually really good right now

Ileao: zabrells being extra nice and I get to spend more time with hir

Ileao: so why does it still hurt?

Kevin: Zabrell started being ‘extra nice’ after xe hit you?

Ileao: hit is such a strong word

Ileao: but yeah why

Kevin: Because that sounds like a classic abuser move! After hurting their victim, they try to make up for it with gifts and nice words and such

Ileao: dont call me a victim

Ileao: asshole

Kevin: Okay, sorry

Kevin: But you do see the problem here, right? You still feel bad because you know this is just Zabrell trying to kiss up to you to get you to forget about what happened.

*30 minutes later*

Kevin: Ileao?

Ileao: yeah

Ileao: yeah, i know.

Kevin: You know, if you ever need a place to stay, Darla and I don’t live too far from you!

Kevin: Our door is always open to you

Ileao: why? you havent even known me that long

Ileao: we barely talk

Kevin: You’re there for a lot of my streams! You participate a lot

Ileao: what no i dont

Kevin: Oh, was your alt account supposed to be a secret?

Ileao: aldskjfads damn it kevin how did you know

Kevin: It’s your name backwards

Ileao: f u c k

Kevin: Plus, Darla really likes you too! From what she’s heard of you, anyway. My point is, you’re always welcome here.

Ileao: hmm

Ileao: i will

Ileao: keep it in mind

Ileao: …thank you, kevin

Kevin: Anytime. ^.^


	18. Kevin, Darla, and Ileao's Texts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ileao texts Kevin in a panic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ignore the underscores after some of the text messages, i had to even out the lines or they came out weird in the generator :grimacing: and i don't have the spoons rn to fix it in an editing program

* * *

* * *

**Transcript:**

The first set of images is an Instagram chat between Kevin and Ileao, taking place around 4:50 PM the next day.

Ileao: shit f uck help I didnt cover it up well enough

Kevin: What?

Ileao: the bruise

Ileao: not that its a problem but

Ileao: the fans saw and they wont stop talking about it

Kevin: Do you think you’re in danger?

Ileao: what do you mean

Kevin: Does Zabrell know?

Ileao: oh shit oh god oh fuck

Kevin: Come stay with us. Please.

Ileao: nono it’ll be fine, zabrell’s been really nice lately!! it’ll be fine it’ll be fine

Kevin: Can you at least promise me that you’ll call me if xe tries anything?

Kevin: Actually, my phone’s almost dead, let me text you Darla’s number!

Ileao: okay

Ileao: thank you

Kevin: Of course!

Ileao: i probably won’t need it though

Kevin: Okay, Ileao.

Kevin: I’ll try to encourage my fans to spread the word that you want your privacy.

Ileao: oh are you streaming later?

Kevin: Maybe! Why?

Ileao: idk i just like watching you

Ileao: alex used to be my comfort streamer but uh

Ileao: nvm, u get it

Kevin: Yeah. I’m glad I can comfort you though :)

Ileao: if you keep being sappy ill block you. willfully this time

Kevin: Okay, okay! XD Phone’s almost dead, I have to go! Bye, good luck!

Ileao: cya kev

The next set of images is a text conversation between Darla and Ileao, taking place around 6:30 PM.

Ileao: is this darla?

Darla: Yes it is! Is this Ileao? :)

Ileao: yeah

Darla: It’s very nice to meet you! :) Are you okay?

Ileao: uh

Ileao: i dont think so

Darla: Do you need to be picked up?

Ileao: no, no

Ileao: i just… have a question

Ileao: and kevin said i could text you if things went badly

Ileao: and they really, really did

Darla: I would be happy to help, Ileao. ^.^

Ileao: okay cool

Ileao: so uh

Ileao: this is kind of weird but

Darla: It’s not weird, I won’t judge you! ;0

Ileao: promise?

Darla: Promise :-)

Ileao: ok

Ileao: what does it feel like to be in love?

Darla: Oh, my.

Ileao: never mind

Darla: No, no, it’s okay! For me, it’s like… you feel your heart flutter and skip a beat when they enter the room. :-] Or, feeling this burst of warmth in your chest whenever you see them. Feeling electricity up your spine when you touch. ;0

Darla: Being in love is caring so deeply about someone that you find a little part of yourself is stuck within them, and you’re okay with that. It’s feeling like they make you better, and you make THEM better, like just being around them makes you a better person and a happier person.

Darla: I would do almost anything for Kevin! <3 He’s the light of my life, and I always look forward to seeing him. He makes me feel safe, and comfy! :^)

Ileao: oh

Ileao: i

Ileao: fuck i wish i wasnt alone right now

Darla: D: Do you want me to come over or meet you somewhere?

Ileao: why would you do that? you dont even know me

Darla: But I’m worried about you! And any friend of Kevin’s is a friend of mine :-]

Ileao: goddammit

Darla: What?

Ileao: i dont think i love zabrell

Darla: Oh

Ileao: i always feel that heart stutter and electricity and stuff when xe comes home but like

*5 minutes later*

Darla: Ileao?

Ileao: i think its out of fear

Darla: Oh.

Darla: Ileao, what happened, just now? What prompted you to text me?

Ileao: well

Ileao: xe yelled at me for being too obvious with the bruise

Ileao: and I said xe was scaring me

Ileao: and xe got mad and said xe wouldnt HAVE to scare me if i were a better partner

Ileao: and I uh

Ileao: didn’t love that, ig

Darla: Oh my goodness, that’s horrible! D:

Ileao: yeahh

Ileao: so I got pissy and zabrell started fucking CRYING

Darla: What!?!?

Ileao: yes!! exactly!!! THANK you!!

Darla: The NERVE!

Ileao: YES!!!

Ileao: so! xe was crying, and xe tried to tell me that i was ‘hurting the only person who’d ever loved me’

Darla: motherFUCKER

Ileao: oh my god you’re amazing!

Ileao: anyway, yeah, i didnt like that either, and i went the fuck off on hir about it. except i mustve hit a nerve or something because suddenly xe was just FURIOUS

Ileao: and uh xe

Ileao: xe tried to hit me again

Ileao: but i was like… MAD mad

Ileao: and i got my dumb little stim bag out of the couch because. spoiler alert it’s genuinely cursed

Ileao: like, ive kicked ass with this thing. i took out two muggers once. zabrell knows that

Darla: Hot!

Ileao: oh my god what the fuck i laughed out loud

Ileao: youre horrible

Darla: Continue the story! ;0

Ileao: lathandar

Ileao: so, zabrell knew what that meant

Ileao: that i wasnt in the mood to take any shit

Ileao: and xe said i’d fucked up big time

Ileao: and uh

Ileao: that no one else would ever be able to love me

Darla: What the Hell! >:-[

Ileao: yeah

Ileao: so I told hir to get the fuck out of the apartment before I started fucking livestreaming hir ass

Ileao: aaaand xe left

Ileao: but im… ok dont make fun of me

Darla: I would never!!!!

Ileao: im,, afraid

Ileao: that xe’ll come back

Ileao: probably with our friend merci, who always backs hir up

Ileao: and im scared that xe’ll like

Ileao: …right now, i have this dumb thought that i like,, deserve better, or something

Ileao: but i know that if xe comes back and tries to convince me otherwise

Ileao: i’ll believe hir.

Ileao: i always do.

Ileao: and i

Ileao: i guess im just scared of going back

Darla: You said you thought Zabrell might come back with a friend?

Ileao: yeah

Darla: Our door is still open.

Ileao: …really?

Darla: Of course!! ^.^

Ileao: but like… for real?

Darla: Yes, Ileao!

Ileao: for how long?

Darla: As long as you need. We have the spare room, it’s no trouble! It’d be nice to have a friend around, and it’d be even nicer to know you’re safe.

Ileao: god

Ileao: are you guys like. actual angels?

Darla: Awww ://3 You’re too sweet!

Ileao: ok, im gonna

Ileao: is the offer still open for you to pick me up?

Darla: On my way! Send me your address?

Ileao: shit thank you so much darla

Ileao: you’re amazing, i’ll send it in a sec and then pack my shit

Ileao: seriously, thank you

Ileao: it means a lot

Ileao: im not very good at saying thanks or like,, saying how i feel

Ileao: but really

Darla: That’s okay, Ileao. :) I understand, and I’m happy to help. See you soon!


	19. Ileao's Renovation Tweets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ileao tries living eir best life on Fantasy Twitter. Zabrell whines about it.

* * *

**Transcript:**

A facebook post by ileao, posted on December 10th, 644. It reads, “new pfp now that ive Ascended” After that is a photo of em sticking eir tongue out and flipping off the camera up close.

A tweet by @not-fallen-just-exiled with the new profile image, posted on December 14th. It reads, “moving youtube channels! now all my content (fashion fucked, mostly) will be found over at ileaokay on youtube. fuck zabrell. in fact my first video is going to be about how much i hate zabrell”

A comment from @Zabrileao: You’re being ridiculous, Ileao. Where even ARE you? Stop being such a baby and come home so we can talk.

@not-fallen-just-exiled: oh thats so weird, I just accidentally tripped and fell directly on the ‘block’ button :thinking: funny how life works

@ilealexshipper22: Daaaamn! Slaughter hir!!! :heart_eyes:

A tweet by @not-fallen-just-exiled, posted on December 18th. It reads, “fun fact of the day, zabrell has made eight entire alt accounts trying to talk to me. hilarious! anyway go flame hir account (just kidding lol dont)”

A comment on eir own post by @not-fallen-just-exiled: ;)

A comment from @linbot: oh I see you. ;)

@not-fallen-just-exiled: zabrell doesnt!

@linbot: GOOD

A tweet by @not-fallen-just-exiled, posted on December 25th. It reads, “hey bitches we’re branching out. what do you fuckers wanna see”

A comment from @linbot: honestly the zabrell bitching video was really fun. You should make a gossip series!

@not-fallen-just-exiled: anything for the fans, if i must then i must >;)

A comment from @blockblockbaby: the minecraft stream was fun at first! It would be fun to see a lets player that just does not give a fuck about cheating in their main world

@not-fallen-just-exiled: fuck it! why not!

A comment from @ileaonly: you could always make a fantasy onlyfans :eyes:

@not-fallen-just-exiled: horny motherfuckers. im saving myself for the lord, you know that

@ileaonly: BITCH WHERE 

A tweet by @not-fallen-just-exiled, posted on December 29th. It reads, “@KevivationalYT and @JustASnack are both gonna be in the next fashion fucked vid! Remember to check it out on the ileaokay youtube channel, NOT the zabrileao one >:)”

A comment from @x0x0ileaxo: You should have Zabrell in one of your videos. Pretty sure you were better together.

@Ileaoprotectionsquad: We know an alt when we see one, Zabrell.

@not-fallen-just-exiled: blocked, bitch!


	20. Kevin and Alex's Twitter DMs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex asks Kevin for help.

* * *

**Transcript:**

A twitter conversation between Kevin and Alex.

Alex: Hello, Kevin. I’m Alex.

Kevin: Hi.

Alex: Hi, yes.

Kevin: Do you have something to say, or..?

Alex: I noticed that Ileao seems to be hanging out with you a lot, and I would like to contact em but cannot do it directly.

Kevin: Yeah, I thought so.

Alex: What do you mean?

Kevin: Ileao blocked you. I figured you’d come to me eventually, after you saw that we were friends.

Alex: Is that a bad thing?

Kevin: Kind of, yeah. You hurt em a lot, and ey clearly don’t want to talk to you.

Alex: I know I hurt em. I want to apologize.

Kevin: Likely story

Alex: Please.

Alex: I care very deeply for Ileao, and I never intended to hurt em. But I did, and I want more than anything to make things right.

Kevin: Cute, but ey just got out of a really horrible relationship. I don’t think ey’re ready to date.

Alex: It doesn’t have to go there! I just want to be able to talk to em, as friends.

Alex: Although a date would not go unappreciated.

Kevin: Theeeere it is.

Alex: I’m sorry! I know ey don’t want a relationship now. That makes sense. All I’m saying is that I really, really like em, and I’m not sure that will ever change. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to force my feelings on em. Having Ileao in my life was… truly an experience, and I would like that back in any capacity.

Alex: I just don’t want to lose em.

Kevin: Kinda seems like you already have, buddy.

Alex: Then I want to get em back.

Alex: Not as in, owning em, or dating em

Alex: I only meant that I wanted em back in my life!

Kevin: This is just embarrassing

Alex: Why?

Kevin: You’re a mess! Desperation’s not a good look on anybody

Alex: I’m… Bollocks, I actually AM desperate. I miss em so much. I’m worried about how ey feel after getting away from Zabrell. I’m scared about how much I hurt em, scared that I may have left a long-term impact that will continue hurting em in the future. I can’t stop reliving our conversations, remembering em. I just want to TALK to em. To hear eir laugh, and listen to em tell me about some new backwards trend ey’d like to improve, and see eir smile when I say something that resonates with em.

Kevin: Oh, gosh…

Alex: I’m sorry. It’s probably very strange to be hearing all of this about your friend from a stranger.

Alex: But I love em. With all of my heart.

Kevin: Gah, I’m such a sucker for love!

Alex: So you’ll help me?

Kevin: Sort of. This isn’t my choice to make. I’ll tell em you’d like to talk to em, but that’s it!

Alex: I suppose that will have to do. Thank you, Kevin. Truly.

Kevin: If my friends are happy, I’m happy.

Kevin: But if I find out you’re making Ileao UNhappy, I’ll kick your ass!

Alex: …

Alex: Noted.


	21. Twitter Is Full of Well-Meaning Bullies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twitter bullies Ileao into doing Stars or Hearts again, like in the good ol' days.

* * *

**Transcript:**

A tweet posted by @not-fallen-just-exiled at 8 AM on January 12th, 645. It reads, “alright, chucklefucks, very funny. stars or hearts is NOT a big enough part of my brand to justify me doing it again”

A comment from @hierohero: not to be a downer but it was like 80% of your brand

@not-fallen-just-exiled: fuck

A twitter poll posted by @not-fallen-just-exiled on January 12th, 645. It’s closed, with 567K votes. There are four options; “don’t care” has 6%, “no” has 9%, “not after xe who must not be named” has 27%, and “yes” has 58%.

A tweet posted by @not-fallen-just-exiled on January 12th at 11PM. It reads, “i hate you guys so fuckin much” and has 340K retweets and 456K likes.

  
A text conversation between Kevin and Ileao, taking place at 11:45 PM on January 12th.

Kevin: Are you sure about this?

Ileao: what

Kevin: Doing Stars or Hearts again!

Ileao: oh uh

Ileao: yeah, i think so

Ileao: i used to really enjoy it

Ileao: i think itll be fine

Kevin: Okay, I'll trust your judgment. Good luck! ^.^

  
A twitter DM between @StarsAndHeartsOfficial, named The Judge with a sparkling rainbow heart as an icon, and Ileao.

Ileao: fine motherfucker, im in

The Judge: Language, please. You'll have to get used to restraining yourself again if you don't want the show to get banned.

Ileao: maybe i do! we'll see what kind of mood im in

The Judge: You are just as easy to work with as you were four years ago, Ileao.

Ileao: good to know some things never change huh

The Judge: Perhaps not.

The Judge: The show starts on Friday next week, 7 PM sharp.

The Judge: Do not be late.


	22. Stars and Hearts Introductions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stars and Hearts begins, and the contestants are introduced.

“Welcome back to Stars or Hearts: Chat Decides Edition!” the host booms. “I am the Judge, and, as most of you know, this is a game show all about _love._ Eight contestants are chosen based on the romantic or platonic preferences of the influencer looking for love, and those contestants each choose an emoji before the show; either heart eyes, or starry eyes. If they choose heart, that means they’re in it for love, and if they make it to the end, they and their new lover get to go on a date to test the waters and potentially begin their new lives! If they choose star, they’re in it for the clout, and if they’re the finalist chosen by the lover, the lover loses and has to host an eight-hour stream on the star’s channel, thus boosting their popularity!

“Today we have back an old fan-favorite, notorious for always choosing ‘stars’ and still making it to the finals. After meeting eir soulmate on this show, ey stopped appearing on it, instead starting the Zabrileao channel together. But after what I’ve heard was a _nasty_ breakup, ey’re back to wreak havoc on our hearts all over again! Formerly Il-Intentioned, momentarily Zabrileao, and now Ileaokay, please welcome our lover for the evening: Ileao!”

Ileao blows a sarcastic kiss at the camera. Ey’re the only person on-screen right now on the stream, eir webcam taking up the majority of the frame, and ey’re lying sideways across eir chair, spinning idly in a half-circle as ey twirl eir long-lost iconic stim bag between eir fingers. Eir makeup is just as extreme as usual and eir clothing is just as absurd, and eir loopy earrings hang down to just above eir shoulders. Ey wink. “There’s no need for introductions. You all know me, and you also probably know I’m only here because of a half-hearted Twitter poll. If this isn’t the most-viewed episode of this show, I’m bailing!”

The judge laughs. “Well, you heard em- invite your friends! Because we’ve got a _heck_ of a show for you all today. Ileao, are you going to bother to tell us what you look for in a partner?”

“Huh,” Ileao says, sitting upright and leaning forward, dramatically tapping eir chin. “I’d say… not Zabrell. Not Zabrell. Annnnd I _guess,_ if we’re narrowing it down: Not Zabrell!”

“High standards,” the Judge teases, and Ileao rolls eir eyes. “Anything else? Anything at all?”

“Did I mention not Za-”

“Yes, you did.”

“Aw, foiled again.” Ey launch eir stim bag a couple feet into the air, reaching out to effortlessly catch it and throw it again as ey speak. “Fine. I need… respect. Like, the kind of basic decency you’d afford to literally everyone if you weren’t a piece of shit. Er, crap. Ugh. And…” Ey huff suddenly, crossing eir arms. “Hey, fuck you! I’m the Star person, that’s what I’m _known_ for! You can’t trick me into feeling emotions!”

“What a sentence,” the Judge sighs. “Well, fine; so be it! But remember, the chat can’t choose what’s best for you if you won’t _tell_ them what’s best for you!”

“Guess, motherfuckers!”

“ _Ileao!”_

“Sorry, damn.”

There’s a quiet slapping sound, like the Judge has just hit their forehead in exasperation. “Fine, fine. Sorry, chat, but you know how ey are! We’ll go ahead and meet our contestants for the night.” Another camera feed appears on screen, forcing Ileao’s to shrink so they can sit beside each other. It reveals a middle-aged woman with platinum blonde hair and pale, almost sheet-white skin. She’s sitting up perfectly straight in her chair, looking at the camera with an uptight expression. “Here’s our first one, you may know her from her _hilarious_ karaoke streams: Hierodattyus of HieroWorship!”

“You got _Hiero_ on here!?” Ileao shrieks, slamming eir hands on the table. “Why would you _do_ that to me!?”

“ _Thank_ you for correcting them on my name,” Hiero says, turning up her nose haughtily. “I look forward to seducing you, Ileao!”

Ileao groans, head in eir hands. “Please tell me that’s the end of her introduction.”

“Well, Hiero?” the Judge asks. “Do you have anything else to say? You don’t typically adhere to the usual questions.”

“I am finished!” Hiero announces loudly.

“Well, Ileao, you’re in luck,” the Judge laughs. “And I guess we’re moving on to our next contestant! Known for his various beauty tutorials and overall flirty vibe, please welcome… Elfo, of ElfoBeauty!”

“Mhmm,” Elfo says as he appears on-screen. He doesn’t look particularly pleased, and in fact actually looks a little inconvenienced. “In all honesty, babe, I thought I was signing up to play for _Kevin_ _’s_ heart, not yours.”

“What!?” Ileao throws eir hands up. “First of all, _how_ did you mix us up, and second, what the _fuck,_ Judge, this one doesn’t even _like_ me!”

“It’s for flavor!” the Judge assures em, and ey grit eir teeth angrily. “And I have a feeling I know how Elfo got mixed up. But right now is _your_ time, Elfo, so… tell us about yourself!”

“Well,” Elfo begins while Ileao very stubbornly refuses to look at the screen, “I’m a beauty guru! I make makeup tutorials to teach people to be as _stunning_ as I am.” He pauses, giving his camera a grumpy, appraising look. “Ileao, you could probably use a couple of them, actually. And I don’t know what the _heck_ you’re wearing, but I can at least say that it’s eye-catching.”

Ileao huffs. “Thanks.”

“Just not in the way you’re going for, I think.”

“Oh, fuck off!”

“Ileao, you are running low on curse word allowances!” the Judge warns, and Ileao grumbles to emself, crossing eir arms. “Let’s keep this intro-train going! Our next contestant is a man best known for his Youtube cooking show, where-”

“Oh no.”

“Ileao, please don’t interrupt-”

“Please. Please, holy shit, you did _not_ get creepy-meat-guy.”

“Be civil, good Lathandar!” the Judge pleads, already sounding tired enough to go home. “Caleb, care to introduce yourself?”

“I am _not_ the ‘creepy meat guy!’” Caleb yells as his cam squeezes on-screen. He’s already standing in his anger, hands placed on the desk in front of him as he glares at the camera.

“Then start telling the audience what fuckin’ meats you’re using!” Ileao shouts back.

“I don’t have to tell anyone jack shit, that’s the secret ingredient!”

“’Cause it’s goddamn human meat, you psycho, swear to god-”

“ _Please_ stop calling our contestants cannibals!” the Judge says loudly. “Caleb is here because he’s interested in you, just like everyone else on the show. Try to be nice for once in your life.”

“It’s not _my_ fault he’s out here radiating bad vibes twenty-four-sevs,” Ileao complains.

“You know what?” Caleb snaps. “I think Ileao did better as a contestant than as a lover. Kind of a one-trick pony.”

“I’ll show you a one-trick pony! Bet you didn’t know this, but ponies actually contain mostly morally-edible meat, which is _leagues_ above the shit _you_ _’re c_ ooking with-”

“Settle down!” the Judge shouts, clapping their hands against the mic, and Ileao and Caleb both stumble away from their set-ups with wide eyes while the other on-screen contestants rub at their headphones. “Sorry, audience. I have a feeling that’ll be happening a lot. Anyway, next contestant-”

Caleb frowns. “But I didn’t even get to introduce myself-”

“Famous for her outside-the-box percentage speedruns of the game Mobos-mon: Sun and Moon, today this woman will be speedrunning Ileao’s _heart!_ _”_

“Oh, that was a good one,” Ileao says. “How long have you had _that_ locked and loaded?”

“You’re ruining the dramatic tension.”

“Good.”

“Anyway! Please welcome to the show, for her first time ever… Darla, or JustASnack!”

“ _What!?”_ Ileao screeches as another webcam slides on-screen. It shows a woman with dark hair and a backdrop filled with equal parts Mobos-mon paraphernalia and home-remedy herbal charts. She smiles warmly.

“Hi, Ileao!”

“What the hell, Darla!?” Ileao asks, slumping against eir chair. Ey look like ey’re exhausted just from the mental gymnastics ey and the audience are going through trying to understand the Judge’s choices here. “Why are you here?”

“For moral support!”

“What-” Ileao sighs, pinching the bridge of eir nose. “That’s _very_ sweet, Darla, but this is a _dating_ show, and I don’t know if Kevin would appreciate-”

“Oh, no, he’s a contestant too!”

“ _Darla!”_ the Judge scolds her at the same time as Ileao shouts something indecipherable. “Don’t reveal the contestants before I can do their introductions!”

Ileao is staring at eir desk with wide eyes. “I can’t believe I’m reliving trauma for this.”

The Judge sighs, sounding increasingly irritated. “Well, fine. Our next contestant is Kevin, of the Kevivational channel and brand. I was told they were looking to start a threesome and I thought that would make for great content, but apparently they just wanted to be good friends.”

“The _goodest_ friends!” Kevin confirms excitedly as his camera feed comes on-screen beside Darla’s. Ileao groans.

“Did anyone _else_ lie in their applications?” the Judge asks snippily.

Hiero, Elfo, and Caleb all give variations of the reply “no,” and the Judge seems to relax.

“Okay. _Good._ In that case, we can get the last three contestants out of the way and finally start the damn show!” They huff. “Our third-to-last contestant is a woman well-regarded for her critical eye and perceptive call-outs. She may be a little serious sometimes, but don’t think that means she doesn’t know how to have fun! Hoan, of Hoan’s Critic Corner-”

“Who are you to say whether or not I know how to have fun?” Hoan asks, already suitably cranky as her camera feed appears with the others’.

Ileao bangs eir head against the desk. “Oh. My. God.”

“Also, I _did_ lie on my application,” Hoan admits, though it’s less of a confession and more of a proud re-telling. “I don’t care for Ileao all that much.”

Ileao sneers.

“ _But,”_ Hoan continues, shooting her camera a look, “the poor elf’s been through enough. And it’s occurred to me that while ey’re trying to ‘get back in the game,’ ey may have… a little trouble distinguishing between what is and isn’t okay.”

Ileao opens eir mouth to snap out a reply, but then eir face softens as ey register her words. “Oh,” ey say quietly. “Oh, that’s actually- Shit. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, pipsqueak.”

Ileao looks pissed again, gasping in over-played (but normal Ileao levels of) offense, but the Judge cuts everyone off with a loud huff. “Is anyone here _actually_ here for the _game show!?_ _”_ they yell, and Hoan, Kevin, and Darla all shrug as the first three contestants insist their intentions are pure. The Judge, very grudgingly, deigns to continue after Hoan reads off a part of the chat about how this episode is sure to be ‘extra spicy.’ The Judge seems sated. For now. “Our _second-to-last_ contestant is one that I _know_ the audience will appreciate, and one that I’m fairly sure _didn_ _’t_ lie on his application!” they boom. “He _used_ to be popular for his DIY works and inventions—specifically, his failures—but more recently, his fanbase won’t shut up about him and Ileao. And Ileao’s won’t, either!”

While Ileao didn’t seem to be paying much attention at the beginning of the introduction, ey snapped to attention at the mention of ‘DIY,’ and eir face slowly fell over the course of the Judge’s sentence. Now, ey look both horrified and betrayed. “You fucking didn’t,” Ileao whispers.

“Aaaaaaaaaalex Candleson!” the Judge shouts, and Alex’s feed shows up on-screen beside Hoan’s. He waves sheepishly, and the chat explodes as they realize there’s not even a bit of evidence of fire failure on him or his clothing. He actually dressed up for this. “Welcome to the show, Alex, it’s nice to finally have you on!”

“It is a pleasure to be here,” Alex says politely, but his eyes are glued to his monitor, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what he’s looking at. Ileao is flushing wildly, crossing eir arms and staring down at the floor, but Alex addresses em anyway. “Hello, Ileao.”

“Don’t talk to me.”

Alex furrows his eyebrows, but he doesn’t looks surprised. “I got you… virtual flowers?” he offers. “I can’t quite _give_ them to you, but…” He reaches off-screen and when his hand reappears, it’s holding a bouquet of orange and blue carnations. The chat goes wild. “Orange carnations symbolize warmth, and freedom. Blue carnations symbolize truth. Carnations in general symbolize grief, loyalty, and love. I… really care for you, Ileao.”

The chat, again, is flooded with reactions, and the Judge ‘aw’s loudly. But Ileao continues staring stubbornly at the floor.

Until ey glance up, only for a moment, and cannot look away.

“Oh,” ey say. “You look really nice.”

Alex’s cheeks blush and Ileao’s are quick to follow as ey realize what ey’ve said. Ey quickly look away, embarrassed. “Uh, I mean-” Ey grimace, shaking eir head and avoiding eye contact with the camera. “Whatever. Thanks. God. Can we move the fuck on already? This is taking forever, and we haven’t even gotten to the last contestant yet!”

Despite Ileao’s icy demeanor, Alex very clearly never takes his eyes off em, and he seems hopeful. But before he can say much of anything, the Judge laughs and carries on. “Sure, Ileao, sure. Our last contestant for the night is a real trendsetter, known for rocking the boat with videos that are just baaaaarely morally watchable!” The Judge laughs heartily. “A hilarious prankster in some circles and a deplorable heartbreaker in others, it’s been _years_ since we had hir on our show—specifically, four.”

“No,” Ileao whispers.

“You know hir well, Ileao!” the Judge says. “Chat, contestants, Ileao, please welcome the last of our cast tonight: Zabrell from Zabrileao!”

Zabrell’s camera feed squeezes on-screen, the last of nine, and reveals the prankster hirself, sitting casually in front of hir camera with a smile that can only be described as “smug, but sweet.” Ileao jumps to eir feet, frantically shaking eir head and slamming eir hands on the desk again. “This is some bullshit, Judge!” Ileao yells, near to fuming. “You can’t put my fucking _abuser_ on the show!”

“Abuser?” the Judge says incredulously. “Let’s not throw heavy words like that around without thinking about them first, okay?”

“No, Zabrell _literally_ abused hir,” Hoan says, clasping her hands together on her desk. “This is extremely immoral of you.”

“Wha-” The Judge splutters. “But- Zabrell, you said the break-up was just to stir up drama and get more viewers!”

“Well it fucking wasn’t!” Ileao shouts.

“Oh, come on,” Zabrell says, waving it off. “I’m clearly not the first person here to lie on the application.”

“This is a disaster,” the Judge says, mostly to themself. “This is a living, breathing disaster.”

“Hey, chat seems to like it!” Caleb points out, and all the contestants glance over at their monitors to read the chat.

“We have _double_ our record number of viewers,” the Judge says quietly, slightly in awe. “My _god!_ _”_

Ileao looks panicked, glancing between the camera and the chat. Zabrell just smiles again and leans forward. “You’re doing this for your brand, right, Eel?” xe asks, tilting hir head and still patiently smiling. “Trying to re-build your brand without me? That’s gonna be damn hard, and you know it. You _need_ this if you want even the _slightest_ chance of being independent.”

“No, you don’t,” Alex says firmly, and the audience can see Ileao’s eyes flicking back and forth frantically as ey work emself into a panic. “You don’t owe Zabrell or your audience or this show _anything._ _”_

Hoan opens her mouth like she’s going to agree in a more convincing way, but then Ileao’s eyes lock firmly onto Alex and ey take a shaky breath. “Promise?” ey ask, eir voice trembling precariously, and Hoan—along with everybody else—is smart enough to shut her mouth.

“Promise, my dear.”

Ileao nods slowly, getting eir breathing back under control as ey slump down slightly in eir chair. “Okay… Okay, I’m fine, I’m…”

“Do you wanna leave?” Kevin asks.

Ileao shakes eir head. “No. No, fuck you, Zabrell, I enjoy this! Usually!” Ey glare at the camera. “At least when _someone_ doesn’t cast both my abuser and my weird sort-of ex _and_ my two best friends in the same damn cast- _Ugh,_ whatever! Let’s _play,_ god _damn!_ _”_

The chat explodes in victory, and the Judge laughs in relief. “Thank Lathandar! Well, despite the rocky start, I think tonight has some real potential. All you viewers, new and old… believe me when I say that we’re about to knock your socks off!”

“No one says that anymore,” Elfo says, sighing as though he is greatly inconvenienced, and nearly every other contestant rolls their eyes.

From the sound of it, the Judge is rolling their eyes, too. “Whatever you say, Elfo. We’ll be right back after the break!”


End file.
